1. Invite romantic interest on an excursion of yours or their choosing.
2. Choose an outfit appropriate to said excursion.
3. Brush your teeth.
4. Comb your hair.
5. Apply a modest amount of cologne/perfume.
6. Try your best not to wear anything gifted to you by an ex.
7. Arrive at said location in a timely fashion.
8. Exercise proper manners in greeting your date.
9. Smile at all times, unless your date speaks of her dead grandparents or something of that matter.
10. To generate conversation, ask your date questions and let them speak about themselves. This will show your interest.
11. Make sure that you are giving them all of your attention, unless you are driving, in which case you should focus on not dying.
12. Make your date laugh by exercising humor. This will cause them to associate positive feelings with your companionship. Take caution in not crossing the line and taking your comedy into forbidden areas, such as racist and dead baby jokes.
13. Whenever you partake in an activity that costs money, be sure to be courteous and pay for your date and yourself.
14. Take care to compliment your date constantly.
15. If your date is a girl and she has to leave to “fix her makeup”, or for any other reason, do not question it.
16. If your date is a boy and he has to leave to “watch the game”, or for any other reason, do not question it.
17. At the conclusion of your date, be sure to wish your companion a good night and see them to the door/car/airport/cellblock.
18. Congratulations. You have successfully completed your first date. Congratulate yourself by bragging to your single friends and making them feel bad about themselves.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
The Exorcism
THE EXORCISM
-Setting: A Sunday service in a Catholic Church-
Priest: “And I say onto you verily, that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will soon
return to judge his people!”
Church Attendees: “Yay!”
Girl: *Screams, starts convulsing*
Girl’s Mother: “Help! My daughter!”
Girl: *Spasming on ground*
Priest: “I will help you! Out of my way!”
Girl’s Mother: “My baby! Help her!”
Priest: “I’ve got you” *Siezes girl by the wrists and holds her still* “Oh… Dear Lord…”
Girl’s Mother: “What?”
Priest: “Your daughter… She’s… Posessed….” *Removes robe* “Good thing I’m also an exorcist! But first, I will have to subdue her. And if you lay your hands on the bare skin of a demon, it will know your darkest secrets…”
Priest: *Lays hands on girl*
Girl/Demon: “You are a Brony”
Priest: “We have to work soon… She might not have long…”
-Scene change-
Priest: “I will begin the exorcism”
Girl/Demon: “Fool. You will never separate us.”
Girl’s Mother: “Get that thing out of my daughter!”
Priest: *Chants something, splashes holy water on the girl and everyone in the room*
Girl/Demon: “The Sun will turn into ashes, and the Moon into blood. Darkness will reign”
Priest: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I command you to be silent!”
Girl/Demon: “No.”
Priest: *Holds up cross* “Sacerdos ab Ordinario delegatus, rite confessus, aut saltem corde peccata sua detestans, peracto, si commode fieri possit, Sanctissimo Missæ sacrificio, divinoque auxilio piis precibus implorato, superpelliceo et stola violacea indutus, et coram se habens obsessum ligatum, si sit periculum, eum, se et astantes communiat signo crucis, et aspergat aqua benedicta, et genibus flexis, aliis respondentibus, dicat Litanias ordinarias usque ad Preces exclusive. Postem dicat!”
Girl/Demon: *writhing* “NO!!”
Priest: “By the power invested in me by the Son of Man, I command you to come out!”
Girl/Demon: *Girl’s body splits open, demon rises out*
Demon: “You cannot stop the forces of the Dark Lord”
All: “SURPRISE!”
All: *Singing* “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”
-Setting: A Sunday service in a Catholic Church-
Priest: “And I say onto you verily, that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will soon
return to judge his people!”
Church Attendees: “Yay!”
Girl: *Screams, starts convulsing*
Girl’s Mother: “Help! My daughter!”
Girl: *Spasming on ground*
Priest: “I will help you! Out of my way!”
Girl’s Mother: “My baby! Help her!”
Priest: “I’ve got you” *Siezes girl by the wrists and holds her still* “Oh… Dear Lord…”
Girl’s Mother: “What?”
Priest: “Your daughter… She’s… Posessed….” *Removes robe* “Good thing I’m also an exorcist! But first, I will have to subdue her. And if you lay your hands on the bare skin of a demon, it will know your darkest secrets…”
Priest: *Lays hands on girl*
Girl/Demon: “You are a Brony”
Priest: “We have to work soon… She might not have long…”
-Scene change-
Priest: “I will begin the exorcism”
Girl/Demon: “Fool. You will never separate us.”
Girl’s Mother: “Get that thing out of my daughter!”
Priest: *Chants something, splashes holy water on the girl and everyone in the room*
Girl/Demon: “The Sun will turn into ashes, and the Moon into blood. Darkness will reign”
Priest: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I command you to be silent!”
Girl/Demon: “No.”
Priest: *Holds up cross* “Sacerdos ab Ordinario delegatus, rite confessus, aut saltem corde peccata sua detestans, peracto, si commode fieri possit, Sanctissimo Missæ sacrificio, divinoque auxilio piis precibus implorato, superpelliceo et stola violacea indutus, et coram se habens obsessum ligatum, si sit periculum, eum, se et astantes communiat signo crucis, et aspergat aqua benedicta, et genibus flexis, aliis respondentibus, dicat Litanias ordinarias usque ad Preces exclusive. Postem dicat!”
Girl/Demon: *writhing* “NO!!”
Priest: “By the power invested in me by the Son of Man, I command you to come out!”
Girl/Demon: *Girl’s body splits open, demon rises out*
Demon: “You cannot stop the forces of the Dark Lord”
All: “SURPRISE!”
All: *Singing* “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Swag Wars- The Theatrical Performance
A theatrical performance detailing the lifestyle of the modern teenager.
Written by Dietrich Hanson
As interpreted by Miles Sustad and the almighty Ryan Fick
Featuring Katherine Anderson, Kaelin Williams, Spencer Bowlus, and Sean Brislin
SWAG WARS
(Opening scene, Movie Theater)
NARRATOR: “Here we see the youth of today’s America, the next generation of socially-deprived cavemen that will eventually come to be responsible for our nation, who, in their idolization of so-called “swag”, and their lives plagued with sex, greed, drugs, and crime, make mistakes whose consequences prove too paramount to be understood by their miniscule intellects, and in turn pushes them into worlds of pain, grief, and overwhelming pressures. Ladies and gentleman, take a glance into the deteriorative lifestyle of the American teenager in our skit: ‘Swag Wars’”
MILES: “It’s not rape if you have swag…” (Puts his arm around Ryan)
RYAN: “Lol, YOLO!”
(Cuts to RYAN and MILES on phone)
NARRATOR: “Now the young gangster-wannabe will face the consequences of his actions
and have to come to terms with the fact that he will be having a child.”
(iPhone ringing, MILES picks up) MILES: “Heya shawty”
RYAN: “Trentin! Baby, Imma be knocked up!”
MILES: “Damn, shawty! Shame on a player!”
RYAN: “It yo’s, too!”
MILES: “Awwwwww, hell nawwwwww”
RYAN: “And it’s worse, babe! I read in Seventeen magazine that my baby probably won’t have any swag!”
MILES: “My baby don’t got swag? We needa fat abortion now!”
(Into Doctor’s Office)
MILES: “What it do, doc?”
DOCTOR: “What can I help you with today?”
RYAN: “I need an abortion! Imma be knocked up!”
MILES: “AND DA BABY AIN’T GOT NO SWAG!”
DOCTOR: “…You want me to terminate your pregnancy because you believe that your child won’t have ‘swag’?”
MILES: “Word up.”
DOCTOR: “Well, let me check…. Okay. First of all, you don’t even own an insurance policy in the first place. And second, I will not perform an abortion on the basis of the child not having ‘swag’”
MILES: “Who needs insurance when you have swag?”
DOCTOR: “This is ridiculous. While I cannot help you with your abortion, I can recommend a friend… Off the record, of course.”
RYAN: “You sure, baby?” (Tries to seduce DOCTOR)
DOCTOR (Stepping away from RYAN): “She’s a high school student, but she knows her stuff. I’ll get you her info”
(Skip to high school)
MILES: “Eyyo girl, we here yo good at abortin’ dem babies”
KATHERINE: “…What?”
RYAN: “I’m like, totally knocked up! I, like, need you to abort my baby!”
KATHERINE: “Will you two hooligans leave me in peace? Your plights are of no interest to me.”
MILES: “Aye’t bitch! I ain’t takin’ no backtalk!”
KATHERINE: “Look, why don’t you see if THAT girl over there can help you?” (Motions to KAELIN)
MILES: “Word up, shawty. You best be blazin’ wit me later, if ya know what I mean”
RYAN: (Smacks MILES): “TRENTIN!”
(MILES and RYAN walk over to KAELIN)
MILES: “Whaddup dwag. Dat homie over yonder be tellin’ me that you be givin’ dem abortions?”
KAELIN: “Uhh, ex-cuse me? English, puh-lease.”
RYAN: “I need a goddamn abortion!”
KAELIN: “Oh, well let me see what I can do for you.” (Pulls out iPad and shoves it in RYAN’s face) “This is my iPad XXL Touch Wheel 6. I got it outside of the Cage the Elephant concert! I think the guy might’ve given it to me for a lower price because he knew I was a vegetarian… Like wow. (Motions to MILES) “Your clothes are SO mainstream. You know what I’m wearing?” (Motions to Bob Marley t shirt) “Do you even know who this artist is? No. He’s really obscure, you’ve probably never even heard of him. It’s such a shame that this generation is so naïve to- ”
KATHERINE: (Cutting KAELIN off) “That’s Bob Marley.”
KAELIN: “…Well. Anyways, let me boot up my iAbort v.6.3 app for you! I just downloaded it from the app store for only three payments of $9.95!”
MILES: “wat”
KAELIN: “Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! Let me see your belly.”
RYAN: “Okey dokeyyyyyyy!” (Pushes stomach against iPad)
KAELIN: “Hmmm, let’s see now… That must be wrong. This says that you are about to enter labor.”
MILES: “What it be?”
RYAN: (Collapsing) “O-M-FRICKIN’-G! SHE’S RIGHT! IMMA HAVIN’ A BABY!”
KATHERINE: (Rushes over) “Help! Can anybody deliver a baby?”
KAELIN: “Oh no, oh no.”
RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
MILES: “Hold on baby!”
KATHERINE: “Look on your iPad! Can’t you do anything?”
KAELIN: “It’s the iPad 6, mind you. Aaaaand…. Nope. I have to pay $7.55 for the upgrade to the iDelivery app.”
RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
KATHERINE: “Just look up something online! How do we deliver a baby?”
KAELIN: “Searching… Siri! How do I deliver a baby?”
SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: List recipes for turkey gravy?”
KAELIN: “No Siri. How do I deliver a baby?”
SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: Maps to Quebec, Canada?”
RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
KATHERINE: “Let me see!” (Takes iPad) “…All of the websites require Adobe Flashplayer to view! This is useless!”
MILES: “Go to hell Apple!”
RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAH!!!”
KAELIN: “Can’t anybody deliver her baby?” (Points to NARRATOR) “YOU! Help us!”
NARRATOR: “I’m the narrator! I’m not allowed to interact with the characters!”
MILES: “HELP A BROTHA IN NEED!”
RYAN: “I’M HAVIN’ A BABY OVER HERE! I’M HAVIN’ A BABY! AAAAAAAH!!!!”
NARRATOR: “Okay!” (Rushes over and kneels next to RYAN) “Okay, push with me. One, two, three, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AHAHAHHAUGHAUGHUHUHUAUGHUAH!”
NARRATOR: “PAIN MAKES YOU STRONGER! ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AAAAHAHAHGUHAUGAUHGAUHGUAHGUHUAHA!”
MILES: “I can see da head!”
KAELIN: “And dang, it’s nasty down there…”
NARRATOR: “One last time! One, two, three, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AAUGHAUGHAUGHUAGUUAHGUAUGUAGUAUGUAHUGUAGUAUGHAUGHUAHGUAHGA!” (Panting)
BABY: “WAAAAAH! YOLO!”
NARRATOR: “Here you go. You can hold your child.”
RYAN: “Aww! Come here baby! I think we’ll name him “Hashtag”
MILES: “Yo, that be one fine ass name.”
KATHERINE, KAELIN, NARRATOR: (Unison) “What?”
BABY (HASHTAG): “Waaah! Yolo! Swag! Wiz Khalifa!”
Written by Dietrich Hanson
As interpreted by Miles Sustad and the almighty Ryan Fick
Featuring Katherine Anderson, Kaelin Williams, Spencer Bowlus, and Sean Brislin
SWAG WARS
(Opening scene, Movie Theater)
NARRATOR: “Here we see the youth of today’s America, the next generation of socially-deprived cavemen that will eventually come to be responsible for our nation, who, in their idolization of so-called “swag”, and their lives plagued with sex, greed, drugs, and crime, make mistakes whose consequences prove too paramount to be understood by their miniscule intellects, and in turn pushes them into worlds of pain, grief, and overwhelming pressures. Ladies and gentleman, take a glance into the deteriorative lifestyle of the American teenager in our skit: ‘Swag Wars’”
MILES: “It’s not rape if you have swag…” (Puts his arm around Ryan)
RYAN: “Lol, YOLO!”
(Cuts to RYAN and MILES on phone)
NARRATOR: “Now the young gangster-wannabe will face the consequences of his actions
and have to come to terms with the fact that he will be having a child.”
(iPhone ringing, MILES picks up) MILES: “Heya shawty”
RYAN: “Trentin! Baby, Imma be knocked up!”
MILES: “Damn, shawty! Shame on a player!”
RYAN: “It yo’s, too!”
MILES: “Awwwwww, hell nawwwwww”
RYAN: “And it’s worse, babe! I read in Seventeen magazine that my baby probably won’t have any swag!”
MILES: “My baby don’t got swag? We needa fat abortion now!”
(Into Doctor’s Office)
MILES: “What it do, doc?”
DOCTOR: “What can I help you with today?”
RYAN: “I need an abortion! Imma be knocked up!”
MILES: “AND DA BABY AIN’T GOT NO SWAG!”
DOCTOR: “…You want me to terminate your pregnancy because you believe that your child won’t have ‘swag’?”
MILES: “Word up.”
DOCTOR: “Well, let me check…. Okay. First of all, you don’t even own an insurance policy in the first place. And second, I will not perform an abortion on the basis of the child not having ‘swag’”
MILES: “Who needs insurance when you have swag?”
DOCTOR: “This is ridiculous. While I cannot help you with your abortion, I can recommend a friend… Off the record, of course.”
RYAN: “You sure, baby?” (Tries to seduce DOCTOR)
DOCTOR (Stepping away from RYAN): “She’s a high school student, but she knows her stuff. I’ll get you her info”
(Skip to high school)
MILES: “Eyyo girl, we here yo good at abortin’ dem babies”
KATHERINE: “…What?”
RYAN: “I’m like, totally knocked up! I, like, need you to abort my baby!”
KATHERINE: “Will you two hooligans leave me in peace? Your plights are of no interest to me.”
MILES: “Aye’t bitch! I ain’t takin’ no backtalk!”
KATHERINE: “Look, why don’t you see if THAT girl over there can help you?” (Motions to KAELIN)
MILES: “Word up, shawty. You best be blazin’ wit me later, if ya know what I mean”
RYAN: (Smacks MILES): “TRENTIN!”
(MILES and RYAN walk over to KAELIN)
MILES: “Whaddup dwag. Dat homie over yonder be tellin’ me that you be givin’ dem abortions?”
KAELIN: “Uhh, ex-cuse me? English, puh-lease.”
RYAN: “I need a goddamn abortion!”
KAELIN: “Oh, well let me see what I can do for you.” (Pulls out iPad and shoves it in RYAN’s face) “This is my iPad XXL Touch Wheel 6. I got it outside of the Cage the Elephant concert! I think the guy might’ve given it to me for a lower price because he knew I was a vegetarian… Like wow. (Motions to MILES) “Your clothes are SO mainstream. You know what I’m wearing?” (Motions to Bob Marley t shirt) “Do you even know who this artist is? No. He’s really obscure, you’ve probably never even heard of him. It’s such a shame that this generation is so naïve to- ”
KATHERINE: (Cutting KAELIN off) “That’s Bob Marley.”
KAELIN: “…Well. Anyways, let me boot up my iAbort v.6.3 app for you! I just downloaded it from the app store for only three payments of $9.95!”
MILES: “wat”
KAELIN: “Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! Let me see your belly.”
RYAN: “Okey dokeyyyyyyy!” (Pushes stomach against iPad)
KAELIN: “Hmmm, let’s see now… That must be wrong. This says that you are about to enter labor.”
MILES: “What it be?”
RYAN: (Collapsing) “O-M-FRICKIN’-G! SHE’S RIGHT! IMMA HAVIN’ A BABY!”
KATHERINE: (Rushes over) “Help! Can anybody deliver a baby?”
KAELIN: “Oh no, oh no.”
RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
MILES: “Hold on baby!”
KATHERINE: “Look on your iPad! Can’t you do anything?”
KAELIN: “It’s the iPad 6, mind you. Aaaaand…. Nope. I have to pay $7.55 for the upgrade to the iDelivery app.”
RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
KATHERINE: “Just look up something online! How do we deliver a baby?”
KAELIN: “Searching… Siri! How do I deliver a baby?”
SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: List recipes for turkey gravy?”
KAELIN: “No Siri. How do I deliver a baby?”
SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: Maps to Quebec, Canada?”
RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
KATHERINE: “Let me see!” (Takes iPad) “…All of the websites require Adobe Flashplayer to view! This is useless!”
MILES: “Go to hell Apple!”
RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAH!!!”
KAELIN: “Can’t anybody deliver her baby?” (Points to NARRATOR) “YOU! Help us!”
NARRATOR: “I’m the narrator! I’m not allowed to interact with the characters!”
MILES: “HELP A BROTHA IN NEED!”
RYAN: “I’M HAVIN’ A BABY OVER HERE! I’M HAVIN’ A BABY! AAAAAAAH!!!!”
NARRATOR: “Okay!” (Rushes over and kneels next to RYAN) “Okay, push with me. One, two, three, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AHAHAHHAUGHAUGHUHUHUAUGHUAH!”
NARRATOR: “PAIN MAKES YOU STRONGER! ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AAAAHAHAHGUHAUGAUHGAUHGUAHGUHUAHA!”
MILES: “I can see da head!”
KAELIN: “And dang, it’s nasty down there…”
NARRATOR: “One last time! One, two, three, PUSH!”
RYAN: “AAUGHAUGHAUGHUAGUUAHGUAUGUAGUAUGUAHUGUAGUAUGHAUGHUAHGUAHGA!” (Panting)
BABY: “WAAAAAH! YOLO!”
NARRATOR: “Here you go. You can hold your child.”
RYAN: “Aww! Come here baby! I think we’ll name him “Hashtag”
MILES: “Yo, that be one fine ass name.”
KATHERINE, KAELIN, NARRATOR: (Unison) “What?”
BABY (HASHTAG): “Waaah! Yolo! Swag! Wiz Khalifa!”
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Poem #12- "The Ends of the Earth"
I will walk for miles through blades of grass
And cut my feet upon broken glass
Until I find you at last
I will swim the seven seas
And traverse glaciers until I freeze
So you can be closer to me
And I will follow you to the ends of the earth
I will treasure you in all that you're worth
To me
I will fly through the atmosphere
An astronautic pioneer
To find you on the final frontier
I will blast off and leave this place
To sail the realms of open space
To get one last glimpse at your face
And cut my feet upon broken glass
Until I find you at last
I will swim the seven seas
And traverse glaciers until I freeze
So you can be closer to me
And I will follow you to the ends of the earth
I will treasure you in all that you're worth
To me
I will fly through the atmosphere
An astronautic pioneer
To find you on the final frontier
I will blast off and leave this place
To sail the realms of open space
To get one last glimpse at your face
Monday, December 17, 2012
Poem #11- "Learn to Forgive"
If we fall in love tonight,
Among the endless stars
And lose ourselves in flawless bliss
Pouring from our hearts
Then I'd be fine and satisfied
Up in the lonely sky
With perfect grace, and perfect peace
At rest between you and I
Can you see this harmony?
Written in our cosmic bliss
With stars above, and unfailing love
Etched in heaven's kiss
And if we learn to forgive tonight
Could we make the stars align?
If persevere through trust and faith
We could do the divine
Among the endless stars
And lose ourselves in flawless bliss
Pouring from our hearts
Then I'd be fine and satisfied
Up in the lonely sky
With perfect grace, and perfect peace
At rest between you and I
Can you see this harmony?
Written in our cosmic bliss
With stars above, and unfailing love
Etched in heaven's kiss
And if we learn to forgive tonight
Could we make the stars align?
If persevere through trust and faith
We could do the divine
Friday, December 14, 2012
Poem #10- "Galactic Serenade"
Your heartbeat is the sound of smashing atoms
There are supernovas in your eyes
Your mind is the constant beating of love
Where stars collide
You are a dreamy princess from a cosmic fairytale
Where astronauts buzz and rocketship's sail
You are the railways that cross the sky
The endless expanse where satellite's fly
The crystal clear portrait of open space
Like moon light's reflection down upon your face
Lost in the radiance you give away
Your eyes are a pyrotechnics display
I want to dance with you for eternity
To the graceful heartbeat of the galaxy
To promenade in a cosmic array
Our own sweet galactic ballet
Where the halls of space are adorned in a starry bouquet
The boundaries of the universe the limit
Let's drift away
There are supernovas in your eyes
Your mind is the constant beating of love
Where stars collide
You are a dreamy princess from a cosmic fairytale
Where astronauts buzz and rocketship's sail
You are the railways that cross the sky
The endless expanse where satellite's fly
The crystal clear portrait of open space
Like moon light's reflection down upon your face
Lost in the radiance you give away
Your eyes are a pyrotechnics display
I want to dance with you for eternity
To the graceful heartbeat of the galaxy
To promenade in a cosmic array
Our own sweet galactic ballet
Where the halls of space are adorned in a starry bouquet
The boundaries of the universe the limit
Let's drift away
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Poem #9- "Never Alone"
I know our differences may keep us apart
But I long for nothing more than to have your heart
To have you and hold
Together we grow old
Just us together
In love forever
I will follow you down your path
You are my second half
I will be honest when you lie
I will hold you when you cry
I will always be with you, to guide you back home
No matter what you do, you are never alone
I know you make mistakes
But I will do whatever it takes
For you
But I long for nothing more than to have your heart
To have you and hold
Together we grow old
Just us together
In love forever
I will follow you down your path
You are my second half
I will be honest when you lie
I will hold you when you cry
I will always be with you, to guide you back home
No matter what you do, you are never alone
I know you make mistakes
But I will do whatever it takes
For you
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Poem #8- "Ode to Twelve"
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The Jason Murray and Tim Adams Christmas Special
THE JASON MURRAY AND TIM ADAMS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
As narrated by Morgan Freeman
Twas the night before Christmas, and things were not as holly and jolly as you would expect. With a nation under pressure by the upcoming fiscal cliff and its leaders locked in constant debate, there was little time for them to be concerned with the other problems facing the world, such as Syrian chemical weaponry and the still unresolved hunt for Joseph Kony. The nation was distracted by crisis on top of crisis, and it was the perfect opportunity for Tim Adams to execute his master plan. “Our leaders are too preoccupied with Syrian misfits” mused Tim “They will be entirely unaware when I steal Christmas!” Now, Tim’s master plan was a heinous one: Using the Gravity Matrix built by his friend Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now), Tim Adams would pull the Moon out of Earth’s orbit and hurl it into deep space, throwing Earth out of alignment and into a spiral away from the Sun! “I’ll show them and their Christmas trees, with no Sun to shine on them, they’ll certainly freeze!” cackled Tim as he rubbed his hands in pleasure. “Not even Obama could stop me, he couldn’t even try, when my plan is through, Santa and all his elves will surely die!” Deep within his secret underground lair in Cape Canaveral, Tim Adams prepared to launch his rocket into space. The Earth shook as two massive doors on its surface split open and ignited with fire, propelling a massive, sinister machine into the atmosphere in a thunder of smoke and fire. A couple of states over, Congress was thrown into disarray as Senators and Representatives scurried to try and piece together what had happened. National television was interrupted to bring the American people live footage of this unexpected rocket launch from unknown origin. President Obama pushed his way through the White House and scrambled into his office, almost tripping over himself as he ran to the telephone. Grasping it as if it were his lifeline, he dialed a number and breathed in short, shallow huffs as the phone rang. “Hello?” said Obama “Yes, it is time for the emergency plan. The world is in trouble and needs you, Murrman.”
Jason Murray spoke into the phone with the utmost sincerity, and hung it up with a solemn but confident look. “I can’t do this alone; I couldn’t do it at all. What I need right now is help from Ron Paul” said Murrman as he buckled into his top secret car, the MurrMobile. The car shook with a deep roar as the engine ignited, and Murrman put the pedal to the floor as he accelerated towards an almost vertical ramp. The MurrMobile made contact with the ramp and locked on with its magnetic tires and pushed the vehicle towards the stars. As Murrman cleared the ramp and shot straight up into space, he dialed Ron Paul on his Bluetooth headset. “My friend Ron Paul, we have a world to save. And if we are to stop Tim Adams, we need a hero that is brave!” Jason Murray proclaimed as his vehicle exited the atmosphere and hurtled towards Tim’s rocket ship.
“No, no, this cannot be! That looks like my arch-nemesis, Jason Murray!” Tim said uneasily as he peered out the window of his rocket ship. Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) took over the controls as Tim Adams moved towards the communications console. “Jason Murray, we meet again.” Tim said coldly “Ahh, Tim Adams, my good old friend” replied Murrman over the speakers. “I should’ve know you were behind this, only you would devise a plan so heinous.” Tim frowned and said to him “I must stop Christmas from coming, you see. And freezing planet Earth will do this assuredly!” With an evil cackle, Tim Adams turned his rocket ship to face the MurrMobile and revealed his front-mounted quad laser cannons. “Merry Christmas, Murrman!” yelled Tim Adams as he pulled the trigger and unleashed a volley of energy towards Jason Murray. Murrman threw himself from the cockpit and into his ships transporter pad, just in time to scream “Energize!” as the MurrMobile was hammered by a torrent of lasers and exploded into fragments. “I killed my least favorite person in the world!” screamed Tim in ecstasy “Dam u st8 bbygurl!” But Tim’s happiness was short-lived, seconds later Jason Murray materialized in the cockpit with him. “That’s sheating! No sheating in class!” Tim cried angrily “Oh boy, am I going to kick your ass!” Tim Adams charged at Murrman, but Murrman had a trick up his sleeve. Murrman initiated Ninja-Mode, cloaking himself in black shrouds and wielding nunchucks. “Eff you plan on defeating me, you are mistaken! Think about all of the karate classes I have taken!” Tim Adams then tore off his shirt in a scream of rage, and leaped into the air at Murrman. Tim and Jason’s fists locked, and they swung at each other furiously. At the pilots console, Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) did his best to ignore the ensuing struggle behind him and keep the vessel on course to the Moon. Tim’s fist made contact with Jason’s ribs, sending him to the ground reeling in pain. Tim’s foot came down to score another blow, but Jason rolled out of the way. Murrman dove for Tim’s knees, knocking him to the ground and striking his head against a computer console. Dazed and confused, Tim swung at Jason Murray again as Murrman ducked and landed another hit in Tim Adam’s stomach. Now fueled with rage, Tim tore at his chest hair and pummeled Murrman against the wall, pinning him into the ships airlock. “Now, just look at your face!” Tim Adams taunted “Poor Murrman is about to ejected into space.” Jason Murray struggled, but Tim’s sheer muscular power had him trapped. Each breath carried the stench of blood and fear into Murrman’s nostrils. Tim reached for a red button on the wall labeled “Depressurize” and Murrman held his breath…
FLASH! In a glistening beam of brilliant light, Ron Paul materialized behind Tim Adams! “Ron Paul? How can this be? You weren’t even chosen to run against Obama and Romney!” exclaimed Tim as his grip on Murrman weakened. “Even if our hands have frostbite and our digits are numb” said Ron Paul calmly “Whatever you do Tim, Christmas will come.” Tim’s expression softened as he stared at Ron Paul “But Christmas is foolish! Christmas is wrong! Christmas is about greed, and singing annoying songs! Carol of the Bells? What a horrible sound! Christmas wastes time and money all around!” At this, Ron Paul glanced at the ground, and then proceeded to pull a parcel out of his pockets. “I got this for you, Tim” he said kindly “Merry Christmas.” Tim tentatively took the box, nicely wrapped with green paper and a golden bow, and began to peel back the wrapping. His face lit up. “Season 2 of Ancient Aliens?” Tim smiled “Ron, how’d you know? Thank you.” Tim blinked back tears as he rose to his feet and wrapped his arms around Ron Paul, encompassing him in a warm hug.
“Merry Christmas, Ron.”
“Merry Christmas, Tim.”
“HEY LOSERS! WE HAVE A PLANET TO FREEZE!”
Tim Adams and Ron Paul wheeled around to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science now) sitting at the console, scowling. “I didn’t build a rocket ship and Gravity Matrix for nothing! Let’s see some action!” Jason, Tim, and Ron all exchanged looks, and then proceeded towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). “Hey, just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Neil DeGrasse Tyson “Just because my dialogue doesn’t rhyme doesn’t mean you can bully me.” Our heroes stood in a semi circle around Neil Degrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) in silence for a second, before Ron Paul broke the silence. “HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SI-ING…”
“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KIIING!” Sang Tim and Jason as they joined the chorus
“What?” Neil DeGrasse Tyson stared at them in disapproval. “Christmas is a stupid holiday.”
With that, Tim, Jason, and Ron all dematerialized off of the rocket ship, leaving Neil DeGrasse Tyson by himself. When they reappeared, they were on Ron Paul’s home world of Liberaterius, surrounded by Christmas trees, carolers, and children frolicking in the snow. “And now, let’s put a rest to this holiday Scrooge. This will be a holiday celebration that is huge!” Ron Paul procured a small control panel with a red button in the middle “Care to do the honors?” Ron Paul asked Tim Adams “I don’t offer honors, only AP level work, but yes” replied Tim as he pushed the button and sent a 632 megaton surprise hurtling towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). And down in Earthville they say, Tim Adams’ heart grew three sizes that day. The nuclear missile impacted the rocket ship and exploded in orbit above Earth in a shower of red, white, and blue “RON PAUL 2012, RESTORE CHRISTMAS NOW” came the cry from around Earth. Santa was impeached and Ron Paul was elected president of Christmas, and everybody from small children to president Obama cheered and thanked Ron Paul, Jason Murray, and the freshly-spirited Tim Adams for saving Christmas.
As narrated by Morgan Freeman
Twas the night before Christmas, and things were not as holly and jolly as you would expect. With a nation under pressure by the upcoming fiscal cliff and its leaders locked in constant debate, there was little time for them to be concerned with the other problems facing the world, such as Syrian chemical weaponry and the still unresolved hunt for Joseph Kony. The nation was distracted by crisis on top of crisis, and it was the perfect opportunity for Tim Adams to execute his master plan. “Our leaders are too preoccupied with Syrian misfits” mused Tim “They will be entirely unaware when I steal Christmas!” Now, Tim’s master plan was a heinous one: Using the Gravity Matrix built by his friend Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now), Tim Adams would pull the Moon out of Earth’s orbit and hurl it into deep space, throwing Earth out of alignment and into a spiral away from the Sun! “I’ll show them and their Christmas trees, with no Sun to shine on them, they’ll certainly freeze!” cackled Tim as he rubbed his hands in pleasure. “Not even Obama could stop me, he couldn’t even try, when my plan is through, Santa and all his elves will surely die!” Deep within his secret underground lair in Cape Canaveral, Tim Adams prepared to launch his rocket into space. The Earth shook as two massive doors on its surface split open and ignited with fire, propelling a massive, sinister machine into the atmosphere in a thunder of smoke and fire. A couple of states over, Congress was thrown into disarray as Senators and Representatives scurried to try and piece together what had happened. National television was interrupted to bring the American people live footage of this unexpected rocket launch from unknown origin. President Obama pushed his way through the White House and scrambled into his office, almost tripping over himself as he ran to the telephone. Grasping it as if it were his lifeline, he dialed a number and breathed in short, shallow huffs as the phone rang. “Hello?” said Obama “Yes, it is time for the emergency plan. The world is in trouble and needs you, Murrman.”
Jason Murray spoke into the phone with the utmost sincerity, and hung it up with a solemn but confident look. “I can’t do this alone; I couldn’t do it at all. What I need right now is help from Ron Paul” said Murrman as he buckled into his top secret car, the MurrMobile. The car shook with a deep roar as the engine ignited, and Murrman put the pedal to the floor as he accelerated towards an almost vertical ramp. The MurrMobile made contact with the ramp and locked on with its magnetic tires and pushed the vehicle towards the stars. As Murrman cleared the ramp and shot straight up into space, he dialed Ron Paul on his Bluetooth headset. “My friend Ron Paul, we have a world to save. And if we are to stop Tim Adams, we need a hero that is brave!” Jason Murray proclaimed as his vehicle exited the atmosphere and hurtled towards Tim’s rocket ship.
“No, no, this cannot be! That looks like my arch-nemesis, Jason Murray!” Tim said uneasily as he peered out the window of his rocket ship. Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) took over the controls as Tim Adams moved towards the communications console. “Jason Murray, we meet again.” Tim said coldly “Ahh, Tim Adams, my good old friend” replied Murrman over the speakers. “I should’ve know you were behind this, only you would devise a plan so heinous.” Tim frowned and said to him “I must stop Christmas from coming, you see. And freezing planet Earth will do this assuredly!” With an evil cackle, Tim Adams turned his rocket ship to face the MurrMobile and revealed his front-mounted quad laser cannons. “Merry Christmas, Murrman!” yelled Tim Adams as he pulled the trigger and unleashed a volley of energy towards Jason Murray. Murrman threw himself from the cockpit and into his ships transporter pad, just in time to scream “Energize!” as the MurrMobile was hammered by a torrent of lasers and exploded into fragments. “I killed my least favorite person in the world!” screamed Tim in ecstasy “Dam u st8 bbygurl!” But Tim’s happiness was short-lived, seconds later Jason Murray materialized in the cockpit with him. “That’s sheating! No sheating in class!” Tim cried angrily “Oh boy, am I going to kick your ass!” Tim Adams charged at Murrman, but Murrman had a trick up his sleeve. Murrman initiated Ninja-Mode, cloaking himself in black shrouds and wielding nunchucks. “Eff you plan on defeating me, you are mistaken! Think about all of the karate classes I have taken!” Tim Adams then tore off his shirt in a scream of rage, and leaped into the air at Murrman. Tim and Jason’s fists locked, and they swung at each other furiously. At the pilots console, Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) did his best to ignore the ensuing struggle behind him and keep the vessel on course to the Moon. Tim’s fist made contact with Jason’s ribs, sending him to the ground reeling in pain. Tim’s foot came down to score another blow, but Jason rolled out of the way. Murrman dove for Tim’s knees, knocking him to the ground and striking his head against a computer console. Dazed and confused, Tim swung at Jason Murray again as Murrman ducked and landed another hit in Tim Adam’s stomach. Now fueled with rage, Tim tore at his chest hair and pummeled Murrman against the wall, pinning him into the ships airlock. “Now, just look at your face!” Tim Adams taunted “Poor Murrman is about to ejected into space.” Jason Murray struggled, but Tim’s sheer muscular power had him trapped. Each breath carried the stench of blood and fear into Murrman’s nostrils. Tim reached for a red button on the wall labeled “Depressurize” and Murrman held his breath…
FLASH! In a glistening beam of brilliant light, Ron Paul materialized behind Tim Adams! “Ron Paul? How can this be? You weren’t even chosen to run against Obama and Romney!” exclaimed Tim as his grip on Murrman weakened. “Even if our hands have frostbite and our digits are numb” said Ron Paul calmly “Whatever you do Tim, Christmas will come.” Tim’s expression softened as he stared at Ron Paul “But Christmas is foolish! Christmas is wrong! Christmas is about greed, and singing annoying songs! Carol of the Bells? What a horrible sound! Christmas wastes time and money all around!” At this, Ron Paul glanced at the ground, and then proceeded to pull a parcel out of his pockets. “I got this for you, Tim” he said kindly “Merry Christmas.” Tim tentatively took the box, nicely wrapped with green paper and a golden bow, and began to peel back the wrapping. His face lit up. “Season 2 of Ancient Aliens?” Tim smiled “Ron, how’d you know? Thank you.” Tim blinked back tears as he rose to his feet and wrapped his arms around Ron Paul, encompassing him in a warm hug.
“Merry Christmas, Ron.”
“Merry Christmas, Tim.”
“HEY LOSERS! WE HAVE A PLANET TO FREEZE!”
Tim Adams and Ron Paul wheeled around to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science now) sitting at the console, scowling. “I didn’t build a rocket ship and Gravity Matrix for nothing! Let’s see some action!” Jason, Tim, and Ron all exchanged looks, and then proceeded towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). “Hey, just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Neil DeGrasse Tyson “Just because my dialogue doesn’t rhyme doesn’t mean you can bully me.” Our heroes stood in a semi circle around Neil Degrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) in silence for a second, before Ron Paul broke the silence. “HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SI-ING…”
“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KIIING!” Sang Tim and Jason as they joined the chorus
“What?” Neil DeGrasse Tyson stared at them in disapproval. “Christmas is a stupid holiday.”
With that, Tim, Jason, and Ron all dematerialized off of the rocket ship, leaving Neil DeGrasse Tyson by himself. When they reappeared, they were on Ron Paul’s home world of Liberaterius, surrounded by Christmas trees, carolers, and children frolicking in the snow. “And now, let’s put a rest to this holiday Scrooge. This will be a holiday celebration that is huge!” Ron Paul procured a small control panel with a red button in the middle “Care to do the honors?” Ron Paul asked Tim Adams “I don’t offer honors, only AP level work, but yes” replied Tim as he pushed the button and sent a 632 megaton surprise hurtling towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). And down in Earthville they say, Tim Adams’ heart grew three sizes that day. The nuclear missile impacted the rocket ship and exploded in orbit above Earth in a shower of red, white, and blue “RON PAUL 2012, RESTORE CHRISTMAS NOW” came the cry from around Earth. Santa was impeached and Ron Paul was elected president of Christmas, and everybody from small children to president Obama cheered and thanked Ron Paul, Jason Murray, and the freshly-spirited Tim Adams for saving Christmas.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Poem #6- "Aerial Ballet"
I cut my spirit free
From the tethers of reality
And retreated to the world of dreams
I spread my wings to fly
And took off into the sky
And waved the real world goodbye
I surfed the airwaves
In an aerial ballet
As I let my hopes carry me away
I soared through the air
The winds rush through my air
As I left behind all of my worldly cares
I skimmed over the sea
With breakneck speed
The whole world underneath me
I took off into the breeze
The open galaxy
As happiness came up to greet me
From the tethers of reality
And retreated to the world of dreams
I spread my wings to fly
And took off into the sky
And waved the real world goodbye
I surfed the airwaves
In an aerial ballet
As I let my hopes carry me away
I soared through the air
The winds rush through my air
As I left behind all of my worldly cares
I skimmed over the sea
With breakneck speed
The whole world underneath me
I took off into the breeze
The open galaxy
As happiness came up to greet me
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Poem #5- "The McDonalds Poem"
When I was a boy
I went to McDonalds
I got my Happy Meal toy
And hung out with Ronald
ft. Mathew Flaherty
I went to McDonalds
I got my Happy Meal toy
And hung out with Ronald
ft. Mathew Flaherty
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Poem #4- "Skyscrapers and Stars"
This emerald skyline fades away
Breaking silence over day
Setting skyscrapers and stars ablaze
Lifting beauty overseas
Setting solitude free
With ocean warmth comforting me
And I am just a wanderer here
At the end of a lonely pier
With a divine skyline so crystal clear
Spreading twilight onto waves
When day and night are face to face
Pouring glamor down on God's grace
Breaking silence over day
Setting skyscrapers and stars ablaze
Lifting beauty overseas
Setting solitude free
With ocean warmth comforting me
And I am just a wanderer here
At the end of a lonely pier
With a divine skyline so crystal clear
Spreading twilight onto waves
When day and night are face to face
Pouring glamor down on God's grace
Friday, December 7, 2012
Poem #3- "To the Party (Let's Go)"
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Poem #2- "Ode to Swag (And How it gets You Girls)"
Roses are red,
Wiz Khalifa was swag
If there were no snapbacks
Life would be a drag
When it comes to the ladies
They have no desire
If you aren't wearing Jordans
Or Nike attire
The Tap-Out t-shirt's
And absent expression
Attract females
Like Republicans to a recession
Or Linkin Park to depression
Or Taylor Swift to boyfriend-obsession
To be smooth with the babes
You must have little brain
You must listen to Drake
And Lil Wayne
You must fail hard in school
And smoke lots of dope
And when it comes to romance
You only know how to grope
And use the phrase "YOLO"
To justify your actions
When you have lots of swag,
You are the master of attraction
Wiz Khalifa was swag
If there were no snapbacks
Life would be a drag
When it comes to the ladies
They have no desire
If you aren't wearing Jordans
Or Nike attire
The Tap-Out t-shirt's
And absent expression
Attract females
Like Republicans to a recession
Or Linkin Park to depression
Or Taylor Swift to boyfriend-obsession
To be smooth with the babes
You must have little brain
You must listen to Drake
And Lil Wayne
You must fail hard in school
And smoke lots of dope
And when it comes to romance
You only know how to grope
And use the phrase "YOLO"
To justify your actions
When you have lots of swag,
You are the master of attraction
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Poem #1- "Do You Even Lift?"
THUS BEGINS THE 365 DAY POEM CHALLENGE
Roses are red,
Washington skies are grey,
I beat Mr. Adams
Doing push-ups today
After about 70 reps,
he eventually caved
I was victorious
And Ron Paul was brave
All of my peers
basked in my swagger
As they witnessed first-hand
I've got the moves like Jagger
To thunderous applauds
I stood up and smiled
Reveling in glory
As the crowd went wild
My arms were sore,
But victory was a gift
As I asked my friends
"Do you even lift?"
Roses are red,
Washington skies are grey,
I beat Mr. Adams
Doing push-ups today
After about 70 reps,
he eventually caved
I was victorious
And Ron Paul was brave
All of my peers
basked in my swagger
As they witnessed first-hand
I've got the moves like Jagger
To thunderous applauds
I stood up and smiled
Reveling in glory
As the crowd went wild
My arms were sore,
But victory was a gift
As I asked my friends
"Do you even lift?"
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Cover of Yellow by Coldplay!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdGdQ9W2ttA&feature=youtu.be
I remade Coldplay's "Yellow" using Reason 6! It has brass, synthesizers, choirs, piano, and copious amounts of awesomeness.
I remade Coldplay's "Yellow" using Reason 6! It has brass, synthesizers, choirs, piano, and copious amounts of awesomeness.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
New song- Parachutes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eydm55aP-Jc&feature=youtu.be
Hoorah! A new song!
Hoorah! A new song!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Funeral Speech of Joseph Kony
It was triumph, it was tragedy. In his all-too-short life, our friend Joseph overcame all of the odds and rose above the crushing authority of the Ugandan government to become one of the most successful war criminals our world has ever seen. What he accomplished was unparalled by any of us, and I feel as if it is safe to say that we all share nothing but respect for the man that he was. Uganda has lost not only a great leader, but also a great human being. Without a doubt, our good pal Joey was truly a fine example of what a human being can achieve. And in his short time on this little green ball that we call Earth, he truly gave the human race an example of how hard work and perseverance can pay off. He has left behind an amazing legacy that will never be forgotten and left us with the pride and honor of knowing that that amazing man once called us his friends.
Since the very moment he was born, Joseph never shied away from a challenge. Even in his youth, when challenged by a rival at school or even his own siblings, he was never hesitant to resort to violence to solve his problems. He knew what had to be done and he had the willpower to do it. Throughout his life, Joseph has faced problems head-on, staring his adversaries full in the face and asking them “What Uganda do about it?”. Joseph’s hard working, stick-it-to-the-man attitude has pushed him to achieve great things in this worldly realm, and he would want us to remember him as being someone who would take on his foes, no matter what the consequences, and destroy them like he destroyed the lives of innocent children.
If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this funeral, it is that the willpower of Joseph Kony will live on. Joseph went down fighting, and his death would be in vain if we did not continue to combat Jason Russle and his army of hipsters. Even from the grave, our friend Joe’s words will live on. We must not allow the hands of our thick-glassed, skinny jean-wearing foes to grasp around the throat of our terrorist empire. We must push back with our child army, defending the land that has been rightfully ours for generations! We will no longer allow having Jason Russle our jimmies! We will defend the one thing that our tree-hugging, paper-recycling friends want to take from us: Our oil assets! Joseph’s death should be viewed as a call to action to prevent future tragedy! They can take our leader, but they will never take our spirit! Joseph Kony will live on!
Since the very moment he was born, Joseph never shied away from a challenge. Even in his youth, when challenged by a rival at school or even his own siblings, he was never hesitant to resort to violence to solve his problems. He knew what had to be done and he had the willpower to do it. Throughout his life, Joseph has faced problems head-on, staring his adversaries full in the face and asking them “What Uganda do about it?”. Joseph’s hard working, stick-it-to-the-man attitude has pushed him to achieve great things in this worldly realm, and he would want us to remember him as being someone who would take on his foes, no matter what the consequences, and destroy them like he destroyed the lives of innocent children.
If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this funeral, it is that the willpower of Joseph Kony will live on. Joseph went down fighting, and his death would be in vain if we did not continue to combat Jason Russle and his army of hipsters. Even from the grave, our friend Joe’s words will live on. We must not allow the hands of our thick-glassed, skinny jean-wearing foes to grasp around the throat of our terrorist empire. We must push back with our child army, defending the land that has been rightfully ours for generations! We will no longer allow having Jason Russle our jimmies! We will defend the one thing that our tree-hugging, paper-recycling friends want to take from us: Our oil assets! Joseph’s death should be viewed as a call to action to prevent future tragedy! They can take our leader, but they will never take our spirit! Joseph Kony will live on!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
The Adventures of Joseph Kony
Guns blazing around me in a fiery flare, I dove beneath the dense jungle underbrush. Underneath this cover, I peered out at my assailant, an army of internet hipsters. They had come for me. Under the direction of Jason Russell, an “army for peace” had come to end my life. Crawling along on my hands and knees, I pulled myself through the Ugandan forest floor toward my bunker. I had to get back to safety. My army of children awaited orders, and they were the only thing that would stand between me and the brink of death. Summoning the last few ounces of my strength, I dug my elbows into the earth and pushed my exhausted body forward. I had been running for so long, and if only I could last longer, I would be safe… Just a few more meters.
I awoke with one of my child medics standing above me. It was not he who had roused me, it had been the sound of explosions from outside. I bolted up into action, to the objection of my caretaker, but I had business to attend to. The Army for Peace was, almost literally, on top of my bunker, and it was only a matter of time before they had breached the exterior and infiltrated my sanctuary. I grabbed a spare weapon off of the table beside me, reloaded the ammunition, and, fighting a limp, made my way up the stairs towards the commotion. As I hobbled over the top of the staircase, I came face to face with the bunker door. Or what would have been left of it if it was still intact. But I was too late. Instead of the hulking metallic frame of the bunker, I was left staring into the cold face of Jason Russell himself.
“Kony” Russell croaked. Behind him I saw a group of armed men, all wearing thick glasses and Bob Marley t-shirts, their guns strung over their shoulders by biodegradable slings made of 100% recycled material. Russel spoke to me again, but I was partially deafened by the previous blows and I couldn't make out what he had said. Instead, I acted. With one painstaking movement, I swung my weapon and made contact with his ugly face. Within seconds, bullets rained down into my chest, penetrating my skin and unleashing a moist warmth beneath my shirt. Yet I fought on. I charged through the lines of hipster ranks, the scent of Axe body spray flooding my nose. But onward I pushed, until I had reached Jason Russell’s personal iPad and stash of various Apple products blasting “I Can’t Stop”. Behind me came a cry of “That’s the bad guy from Star Wars!”, but I knew what I had to do. With a squeeze of the trigger, I let a bullet fly straight through the iPad, the source of the hipster’s power. “Kra-kow!” came the resounding noise throughout the Ugandan forest. With their source of power destroyed, the hipsters stood around helplessly and without command. I had crushed their beloved Apple products and stopped the Army for Peace once and for all. I could now rest in serenity, knowing that the affairs of me and my underage armada would never be interfered with again.
I awoke with one of my child medics standing above me. It was not he who had roused me, it had been the sound of explosions from outside. I bolted up into action, to the objection of my caretaker, but I had business to attend to. The Army for Peace was, almost literally, on top of my bunker, and it was only a matter of time before they had breached the exterior and infiltrated my sanctuary. I grabbed a spare weapon off of the table beside me, reloaded the ammunition, and, fighting a limp, made my way up the stairs towards the commotion. As I hobbled over the top of the staircase, I came face to face with the bunker door. Or what would have been left of it if it was still intact. But I was too late. Instead of the hulking metallic frame of the bunker, I was left staring into the cold face of Jason Russell himself.
“Kony” Russell croaked. Behind him I saw a group of armed men, all wearing thick glasses and Bob Marley t-shirts, their guns strung over their shoulders by biodegradable slings made of 100% recycled material. Russel spoke to me again, but I was partially deafened by the previous blows and I couldn't make out what he had said. Instead, I acted. With one painstaking movement, I swung my weapon and made contact with his ugly face. Within seconds, bullets rained down into my chest, penetrating my skin and unleashing a moist warmth beneath my shirt. Yet I fought on. I charged through the lines of hipster ranks, the scent of Axe body spray flooding my nose. But onward I pushed, until I had reached Jason Russell’s personal iPad and stash of various Apple products blasting “I Can’t Stop”. Behind me came a cry of “That’s the bad guy from Star Wars!”, but I knew what I had to do. With a squeeze of the trigger, I let a bullet fly straight through the iPad, the source of the hipster’s power. “Kra-kow!” came the resounding noise throughout the Ugandan forest. With their source of power destroyed, the hipsters stood around helplessly and without command. I had crushed their beloved Apple products and stopped the Army for Peace once and for all. I could now rest in serenity, knowing that the affairs of me and my underage armada would never be interfered with again.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
First Breath
Who's got two thumbs and just published a new song?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrkbGcyWbsM&feature=youtu.be
This guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrkbGcyWbsM&feature=youtu.be
This guy
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