Thursday, October 31, 2013

How to Behave on a First Date: A Guide by Dietrich Hanson

1. Invite romantic interest on an excursion of yours or their choosing.

2. Choose an outfit appropriate to said excursion.

3. Brush your teeth.

4. Comb your hair.

5. Apply a modest amount of cologne/perfume.

6. Try your best not to wear anything gifted to you by an ex.

7. Arrive at said location in a timely fashion.

8. Exercise proper manners in greeting your date.

9. Smile at all times, unless your date speaks of her dead grandparents or something of that matter.

10. To generate conversation, ask your date questions and let them speak about themselves. This will show your interest.

11. Make sure that you are giving them all of your attention, unless you are driving, in which case you should focus on not dying.

12. Make your date laugh by exercising humor. This will cause them to associate positive feelings with your companionship. Take caution in not crossing the line and taking your comedy into forbidden areas, such as racist and dead baby jokes.

13. Whenever you partake in an activity that costs money, be sure to be courteous and pay for your date and yourself.

14. Take care to compliment your date constantly.

15. If your date is a girl and she has to leave to “fix her makeup”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

16. If your date is a boy and he has to leave to “watch the game”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

17. At the conclusion of your date, be sure to wish your companion a good night and see them to the door/car/airport/cellblock.

18. Congratulations. You have successfully completed your first date. Congratulate yourself by bragging to your single friends and making them feel bad about themselves.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Exorcism

THE EXORCISM

-Setting: A Sunday service in a Catholic Church-

Priest: “And I say onto you verily, that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will soon
return to judge his people!”

Church Attendees: “Yay!”

Girl: *Screams, starts convulsing*

Girl’s Mother: “Help! My daughter!”

Girl: *Spasming on ground*

Priest: “I will help you! Out of my way!”

Girl’s Mother: “My baby! Help her!”

Priest: “I’ve got you” *Siezes girl by the wrists and holds her still* “Oh… Dear Lord…”

Girl’s Mother: “What?”

Priest: “Your daughter… She’s… Posessed….” *Removes robe* “Good thing I’m also an exorcist! But first, I will have to subdue her. And if you lay your hands on the bare skin of a demon, it will know your darkest secrets…”

Priest: *Lays hands on girl*

Girl/Demon: “You are a Brony”

Priest: “We have to work soon… She might not have long…”

-Scene change-

Priest: “I will begin the exorcism”

Girl/Demon: “Fool. You will never separate us.”

Girl’s Mother: “Get that thing out of my daughter!”

Priest: *Chants something, splashes holy water on the girl and everyone in the room*

Girl/Demon: “The Sun will turn into ashes, and the Moon into blood. Darkness will reign”

Priest: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I command you to be silent!”

Girl/Demon: “No.”

Priest: *Holds up cross* “Sacerdos ab Ordinario delegatus, rite confessus, aut saltem corde peccata sua detestans, peracto, si commode fieri possit, Sanctissimo Missæ sacrificio, divinoque auxilio piis precibus implorato, superpelliceo et stola violacea indutus, et coram se habens obsessum ligatum, si sit periculum, eum, se et astantes communiat signo crucis, et aspergat aqua benedicta, et genibus flexis, aliis respondentibus, dicat Litanias ordinarias usque ad Preces exclusive. Postem dicat!”

Girl/Demon: *writhing* “NO!!”

Priest: “By the power invested in me by the Son of Man, I command you to come out!”

Girl/Demon: *Girl’s body splits open, demon rises out*

Demon: “You cannot stop the forces of the Dark Lord”

All: “SURPRISE!”

All: *Singing* “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”