Thursday, October 31, 2013

How to Behave on a First Date: A Guide by Dietrich Hanson

1. Invite romantic interest on an excursion of yours or their choosing.

2. Choose an outfit appropriate to said excursion.

3. Brush your teeth.

4. Comb your hair.

5. Apply a modest amount of cologne/perfume.

6. Try your best not to wear anything gifted to you by an ex.

7. Arrive at said location in a timely fashion.

8. Exercise proper manners in greeting your date.

9. Smile at all times, unless your date speaks of her dead grandparents or something of that matter.

10. To generate conversation, ask your date questions and let them speak about themselves. This will show your interest.

11. Make sure that you are giving them all of your attention, unless you are driving, in which case you should focus on not dying.

12. Make your date laugh by exercising humor. This will cause them to associate positive feelings with your companionship. Take caution in not crossing the line and taking your comedy into forbidden areas, such as racist and dead baby jokes.

13. Whenever you partake in an activity that costs money, be sure to be courteous and pay for your date and yourself.

14. Take care to compliment your date constantly.

15. If your date is a girl and she has to leave to “fix her makeup”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

16. If your date is a boy and he has to leave to “watch the game”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

17. At the conclusion of your date, be sure to wish your companion a good night and see them to the door/car/airport/cellblock.

18. Congratulations. You have successfully completed your first date. Congratulate yourself by bragging to your single friends and making them feel bad about themselves.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Exorcism


-Setting: A Sunday service in a Catholic Church-

Priest: “And I say onto you verily, that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will soon
return to judge his people!”

Church Attendees: “Yay!”

Girl: *Screams, starts convulsing*

Girl’s Mother: “Help! My daughter!”

Girl: *Spasming on ground*

Priest: “I will help you! Out of my way!”

Girl’s Mother: “My baby! Help her!”

Priest: “I’ve got you” *Siezes girl by the wrists and holds her still* “Oh… Dear Lord…”

Girl’s Mother: “What?”

Priest: “Your daughter… She’s… Posessed….” *Removes robe* “Good thing I’m also an exorcist! But first, I will have to subdue her. And if you lay your hands on the bare skin of a demon, it will know your darkest secrets…”

Priest: *Lays hands on girl*

Girl/Demon: “You are a Brony”

Priest: “We have to work soon… She might not have long…”

-Scene change-

Priest: “I will begin the exorcism”

Girl/Demon: “Fool. You will never separate us.”

Girl’s Mother: “Get that thing out of my daughter!”

Priest: *Chants something, splashes holy water on the girl and everyone in the room*

Girl/Demon: “The Sun will turn into ashes, and the Moon into blood. Darkness will reign”

Priest: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I command you to be silent!”

Girl/Demon: “No.”

Priest: *Holds up cross* “Sacerdos ab Ordinario delegatus, rite confessus, aut saltem corde peccata sua detestans, peracto, si commode fieri possit, Sanctissimo Missæ sacrificio, divinoque auxilio piis precibus implorato, superpelliceo et stola violacea indutus, et coram se habens obsessum ligatum, si sit periculum, eum, se et astantes communiat signo crucis, et aspergat aqua benedicta, et genibus flexis, aliis respondentibus, dicat Litanias ordinarias usque ad Preces exclusive. Postem dicat!”

Girl/Demon: *writhing* “NO!!”

Priest: “By the power invested in me by the Son of Man, I command you to come out!”

Girl/Demon: *Girl’s body splits open, demon rises out*

Demon: “You cannot stop the forces of the Dark Lord”


All: *Singing* “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Swag Wars- The Theatrical Performance

A theatrical performance detailing the lifestyle of the modern teenager.
Written by Dietrich Hanson
As interpreted by Miles Sustad and the almighty Ryan Fick
Featuring Katherine Anderson, Kaelin Williams, Spencer Bowlus, and Sean Brislin


(Opening scene, Movie Theater)

NARRATOR: “Here we see the youth of today’s America, the next generation of socially-deprived cavemen that will eventually come to be responsible for our nation, who, in their idolization of so-called “swag”, and their lives plagued with sex, greed, drugs, and crime, make mistakes whose consequences prove too paramount to be understood by their miniscule intellects, and in turn pushes them into worlds of pain, grief, and overwhelming pressures. Ladies and gentleman, take a glance into the deteriorative lifestyle of the American teenager in our skit: ‘Swag Wars’”

MILES: “It’s not rape if you have swag…” (Puts his arm around Ryan)

RYAN: “Lol, YOLO!”

(Cuts to RYAN and MILES on phone)

NARRATOR: “Now the young gangster-wannabe will face the consequences of his actions
and have to come to terms with the fact that he will be having a child.”

(iPhone ringing, MILES picks up) MILES: “Heya shawty”

RYAN: “Trentin! Baby, Imma be knocked up!”

MILES: “Damn, shawty! Shame on a player!”

RYAN: “It yo’s, too!”

MILES: “Awwwwww, hell nawwwwww”

RYAN: “And it’s worse, babe! I read in Seventeen magazine that my baby probably won’t have any swag!”

MILES: “My baby don’t got swag? We needa fat abortion now!”
(Into Doctor’s Office)

MILES: “What it do, doc?”

DOCTOR: “What can I help you with today?”

RYAN: “I need an abortion! Imma be knocked up!”


DOCTOR: “…You want me to terminate your pregnancy because you believe that your child won’t have ‘swag’?”

MILES: “Word up.”

DOCTOR: “Well, let me check…. Okay. First of all, you don’t even own an insurance policy in the first place. And second, I will not perform an abortion on the basis of the child not having ‘swag’”

MILES: “Who needs insurance when you have swag?”

DOCTOR: “This is ridiculous. While I cannot help you with your abortion, I can recommend a friend… Off the record, of course.”

RYAN: “You sure, baby?” (Tries to seduce DOCTOR)

DOCTOR (Stepping away from RYAN): “She’s a high school student, but she knows her stuff. I’ll get you her info”
(Skip to high school)

MILES: “Eyyo girl, we here yo good at abortin’ dem babies”


RYAN: “I’m like, totally knocked up! I, like, need you to abort my baby!”

KATHERINE: “Will you two hooligans leave me in peace? Your plights are of no interest to me.”

MILES: “Aye’t bitch! I ain’t takin’ no backtalk!”

KATHERINE: “Look, why don’t you see if THAT girl over there can help you?” (Motions to KAELIN)

MILES: “Word up, shawty. You best be blazin’ wit me later, if ya know what I mean”

(MILES and RYAN walk over to KAELIN)

MILES: “Whaddup dwag. Dat homie over yonder be tellin’ me that you be givin’ dem abortions?”

KAELIN: “Uhh, ex-cuse me? English, puh-lease.”

RYAN: “I need a goddamn abortion!”

KAELIN: “Oh, well let me see what I can do for you.” (Pulls out iPad and shoves it in RYAN’s face) “This is my iPad XXL Touch Wheel 6. I got it outside of the Cage the Elephant concert! I think the guy might’ve given it to me for a lower price because he knew I was a vegetarian… Like wow. (Motions to MILES) “Your clothes are SO mainstream. You know what I’m wearing?” (Motions to Bob Marley t shirt) “Do you even know who this artist is? No. He’s really obscure, you’ve probably never even heard of him. It’s such a shame that this generation is so naïve to- ”

KATHERINE: (Cutting KAELIN off) “That’s Bob Marley.”

KAELIN: “…Well. Anyways, let me boot up my iAbort v.6.3 app for you! I just downloaded it from the app store for only three payments of $9.95!”

MILES: “wat”

KAELIN: “Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! Let me see your belly.”

RYAN: “Okey dokeyyyyyyy!” (Pushes stomach against iPad)

KAELIN: “Hmmm, let’s see now… That must be wrong. This says that you are about to enter labor.”

MILES: “What it be?”


KATHERINE: (Rushes over) “Help! Can anybody deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Oh no, oh no.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

MILES: “Hold on baby!”

KATHERINE: “Look on your iPad! Can’t you do anything?”

KAELIN: “It’s the iPad 6, mind you. Aaaaand…. Nope. I have to pay $7.55 for the upgrade to the iDelivery app.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

KATHERINE: “Just look up something online! How do we deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Searching… Siri! How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: List recipes for turkey gravy?”

KAELIN: “No Siri. How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: Maps to Quebec, Canada?”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

KATHERINE: “Let me see!” (Takes iPad) “…All of the websites require Adobe Flashplayer to view! This is useless!”

MILES: “Go to hell Apple!”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAH!!!”

KAELIN: “Can’t anybody deliver her baby?” (Points to NARRATOR) “YOU! Help us!”

NARRATOR: “I’m the narrator! I’m not allowed to interact with the characters!”



NARRATOR: “Okay!” (Rushes over and kneels next to RYAN) “Okay, push with me. One, two, three, PUSH!”




MILES: “I can see da head!”

KAELIN: “And dang, it’s nasty down there…”

NARRATOR: “One last time! One, two, three, PUSH!”



NARRATOR: “Here you go. You can hold your child.”

RYAN: “Aww! Come here baby! I think we’ll name him “Hashtag”

MILES: “Yo, that be one fine ass name.”


BABY (HASHTAG): “Waaah! Yolo! Swag! Wiz Khalifa!”

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Poem #12- "The Ends of the Earth"

I will walk for miles through blades of grass
And cut my feet upon broken glass
Until I find you at last
I will swim the seven seas
And traverse glaciers until I freeze
So you can be closer to me

And I will follow you to the ends of the earth
I will treasure you in all that you're worth
To me

I will fly through the atmosphere
An astronautic pioneer
To find you on the final frontier
I will blast off and leave this place
To sail the realms of open space
To get one last glimpse at your face

Monday, December 17, 2012

Poem #11- "Learn to Forgive"

If we fall in love tonight,
Among the endless stars
And lose ourselves in flawless bliss
Pouring from our hearts

Then I'd be fine and satisfied
Up in the lonely sky
With perfect grace, and perfect peace
At rest between you and I

Can you see this harmony?
Written in our cosmic bliss
With stars above, and unfailing love
Etched in heaven's kiss

And if we learn to forgive tonight
Could we make the stars align?
If persevere through trust and faith
We could do the divine

Friday, December 14, 2012

Poem #10- "Galactic Serenade"

Your heartbeat is the sound of smashing atoms
There are supernovas in your eyes
Your mind is the constant beating of love
Where stars collide

You are a dreamy princess from a cosmic fairytale
Where astronauts buzz and rocketship's sail
You are the railways that cross the sky
The endless expanse where satellite's fly
The crystal clear portrait of open space
Like moon light's reflection down upon your face

Lost in the radiance you give away
Your eyes are a pyrotechnics display

I want to dance with you for eternity
To the graceful heartbeat of the galaxy
To promenade in a cosmic array
Our own sweet galactic ballet

Where the halls of space are adorned in a starry bouquet
The boundaries of the universe the limit
Let's drift away

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Poem #9- "Never Alone"

I know our differences may keep us apart
But I long for nothing more than to have your heart
To have you and hold
Together we grow old
Just us together
In love forever

I will follow you down your path
You are my second half
I will be honest when you lie
I will hold you when you cry
I will always be with you, to guide you back home
No matter what you do, you are never alone

I know you make mistakes
But I will do whatever it takes
For you