Swag Wars- The Theatrical Performance

A theatrical performance detailing the lifestyle of the modern teenager.
Written by Dietrich Hanson
As interpreted by Miles Sustad and the almighty Ryan Fick
Featuring Katherine Anderson, Kaelin Williams, Spencer Bowlus, and Sean Brislin

SWAG WARS

(Opening scene, Movie Theater)

NARRATOR: “Here we see the youth of today’s America, the next generation of socially-deprived cavemen that will eventually come to be responsible for our nation, who, in their idolization of so-called “swag”, and their lives plagued with sex, greed, drugs, and crime, make mistakes whose consequences prove too paramount to be understood by their miniscule intellects, and in turn pushes them into worlds of pain, grief, and overwhelming pressures. Ladies and gentleman, take a glance into the deteriorative lifestyle of the American teenager in our skit: ‘Swag Wars’”

MILES: “It’s not rape if you have swag…” (Puts his arm around Ryan)

RYAN: “Lol, YOLO!”

(Cuts to RYAN and MILES on phone)

NARRATOR: “Now the young gangster-wannabe will face the consequences of his actions
and have to come to terms with the fact that he will be having a child.”

(iPhone ringing, MILES picks up) MILES: “Heya shawty”

RYAN: “Trentin! Baby, Imma be knocked up!”

MILES: “Damn, shawty! Shame on a player!”

RYAN: “It yo’s, too!”

MILES: “Awwwwww, hell nawwwwww”

RYAN: “And it’s worse, babe! I read in Seventeen magazine that my baby probably won’t have any swag!”

MILES: “My baby don’t got swag? We needa fat abortion now!”
(Into Doctor’s Office)

MILES: “What it do, doc?”

DOCTOR: “What can I help you with today?”

RYAN: “I need an abortion! Imma be knocked up!”

MILES: “AND DA BABY AIN’T GOT NO SWAG!”

DOCTOR: “…You want me to terminate your pregnancy because you believe that your child won’t have ‘swag’?”

MILES: “Word up.”

DOCTOR: “Well, let me check…. Okay. First of all, you don’t even own an insurance policy in the first place. And second, I will not perform an abortion on the basis of the child not having ‘swag’”

MILES: “Who needs insurance when you have swag?”

DOCTOR: “This is ridiculous. While I cannot help you with your abortion, I can recommend a friend… Off the record, of course.”

RYAN: “You sure, baby?” (Tries to seduce DOCTOR)

DOCTOR (Stepping away from RYAN): “She’s a high school student, but she knows her stuff. I’ll get you her info”
(Skip to high school)

MILES: “Eyyo girl, we here yo good at abortin’ dem babies”

KATHERINE: “…What?”

RYAN: “I’m like, totally knocked up! I, like, need you to abort my baby!”

KATHERINE: “Will you two hooligans leave me in peace? Your plights are of no interest to me.”

MILES: “Aye’t bitch! I ain’t takin’ no backtalk!”

KATHERINE: “Look, why don’t you see if THAT girl over there can help you?” (Motions to KAELIN)

MILES: “Word up, shawty. You best be blazin’ wit me later, if ya know what I mean”

RYAN: (Smacks MILES): “TRENTIN!”
(MILES and RYAN walk over to KAELIN)

MILES: “Whaddup dwag. Dat homie over yonder be tellin’ me that you be givin’ dem abortions?”

KAELIN: “Uhh, ex-cuse me? English, puh-lease.”


RYAN: “I need a goddamn abortion!”

KAELIN: “Oh, well let me see what I can do for you.” (Pulls out iPad and shoves it in RYAN’s face) “This is my iPad XXL Touch Wheel 6. I got it outside of the Cage the Elephant concert! I think the guy might’ve given it to me for a lower price because he knew I was a vegetarian… Like wow. (Motions to MILES) “Your clothes are SO mainstream. You know what I’m wearing?” (Motions to Bob Marley t shirt) “Do you even know who this artist is? No. He’s really obscure, you’ve probably never even heard of him. It’s such a shame that this generation is so naïve to- ”

KATHERINE: (Cutting KAELIN off) “That’s Bob Marley.”

KAELIN: “…Well. Anyways, let me boot up my iAbort v.6.3 app for you! I just downloaded it from the app store for only three payments of $9.95!”

MILES: “wat”

KAELIN: “Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! Let me see your belly.”

RYAN: “Okey dokeyyyyyyy!” (Pushes stomach against iPad)

KAELIN: “Hmmm, let’s see now… That must be wrong. This says that you are about to enter labor.”

MILES: “What it be?”

RYAN: (Collapsing) “O-M-FRICKIN’-G! SHE’S RIGHT! IMMA HAVIN’ A BABY!”

KATHERINE: (Rushes over) “Help! Can anybody deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Oh no, oh no.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

MILES: “Hold on baby!”

KATHERINE: “Look on your iPad! Can’t you do anything?”

KAELIN: “It’s the iPad 6, mind you. Aaaaand…. Nope. I have to pay $7.55 for the upgrade to the iDelivery app.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

KATHERINE: “Just look up something online! How do we deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Searching… Siri! How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: List recipes for turkey gravy?”

KAELIN: “No Siri. How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: Maps to Quebec, Canada?”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

KATHERINE: “Let me see!” (Takes iPad) “…All of the websites require Adobe Flashplayer to view! This is useless!”

MILES: “Go to hell Apple!”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAH!!!”

KAELIN: “Can’t anybody deliver her baby?” (Points to NARRATOR) “YOU! Help us!”

NARRATOR: “I’m the narrator! I’m not allowed to interact with the characters!”

MILES: “HELP A BROTHA IN NEED!”

RYAN: “I’M HAVIN’ A BABY OVER HERE! I’M HAVIN’ A BABY! AAAAAAAH!!!!”

NARRATOR: “Okay!” (Rushes over and kneels next to RYAN) “Okay, push with me. One, two, three, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AHAHAHHAUGHAUGHUHUHUAUGHUAH!”

NARRATOR: “PAIN MAKES YOU STRONGER! ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AAAAHAHAHGUHAUGAUHGAUHGUAHGUHUAHA!”

MILES: “I can see da head!”

KAELIN: “And dang, it’s nasty down there…”

NARRATOR: “One last time! One, two, three, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AAUGHAUGHAUGHUAGUUAHGUAUGUAGUAUGUAHUGUAGUAUGHAUGHUAHGUAHGA!” (Panting)

BABY: “WAAAAAH! YOLO!”

NARRATOR: “Here you go. You can hold your child.”

RYAN: “Aww! Come here baby! I think we’ll name him “Hashtag”

MILES: “Yo, that be one fine ass name.”

KATHERINE, KAELIN, NARRATOR: (Unison) “What?”

BABY (HASHTAG): “Waaah! Yolo! Swag! Wiz Khalifa!”