The Jason Murray and Tim Adams Christmas Special

THE JASON MURRAY AND TIM ADAMS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

As narrated by Morgan Freeman

Twas the night before Christmas, and things were not as holly and jolly as you would expect. With a nation under pressure by the upcoming fiscal cliff and its leaders locked in constant debate, there was little time for them to be concerned with the other problems facing the world, such as Syrian chemical weaponry and the still unresolved hunt for Joseph Kony. The nation was distracted by crisis on top of crisis, and it was the perfect opportunity for Tim Adams to execute his master plan. “Our leaders are too preoccupied with Syrian misfits” mused Tim “They will be entirely unaware when I steal Christmas!” Now, Tim’s master plan was a heinous one: Using the Gravity Matrix built by his friend Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now), Tim Adams would pull the Moon out of Earth’s orbit and hurl it into deep space, throwing Earth out of alignment and into a spiral away from the Sun! “I’ll show them and their Christmas trees, with no Sun to shine on them, they’ll certainly freeze!” cackled Tim as he rubbed his hands in pleasure. “Not even Obama could stop me, he couldn’t even try, when my plan is through, Santa and all his elves will surely die!” Deep within his secret underground lair in Cape Canaveral, Tim Adams prepared to launch his rocket into space. The Earth shook as two massive doors on its surface split open and ignited with fire, propelling a massive, sinister machine into the atmosphere in a thunder of smoke and fire. A couple of states over, Congress was thrown into disarray as Senators and Representatives scurried to try and piece together what had happened. National television was interrupted to bring the American people live footage of this unexpected rocket launch from unknown origin. President Obama pushed his way through the White House and scrambled into his office, almost tripping over himself as he ran to the telephone. Grasping it as if it were his lifeline, he dialed a number and breathed in short, shallow huffs as the phone rang. “Hello?” said Obama “Yes, it is time for the emergency plan. The world is in trouble and needs you, Murrman.”

Jason Murray spoke into the phone with the utmost sincerity, and hung it up with a solemn but confident look. “I can’t do this alone; I couldn’t do it at all. What I need right now is help from Ron Paul” said Murrman as he buckled into his top secret car, the MurrMobile. The car shook with a deep roar as the engine ignited, and Murrman put the pedal to the floor as he accelerated towards an almost vertical ramp. The MurrMobile made contact with the ramp and locked on with its magnetic tires and pushed the vehicle towards the stars. As Murrman cleared the ramp and shot straight up into space, he dialed Ron Paul on his Bluetooth headset. “My friend Ron Paul, we have a world to save. And if we are to stop Tim Adams, we need a hero that is brave!” Jason Murray proclaimed as his vehicle exited the atmosphere and hurtled towards Tim’s rocket ship.

“No, no, this cannot be! That looks like my arch-nemesis, Jason Murray!” Tim said uneasily as he peered out the window of his rocket ship. Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) took over the controls as Tim Adams moved towards the communications console. “Jason Murray, we meet again.” Tim said coldly “Ahh, Tim Adams, my good old friend” replied Murrman over the speakers. “I should’ve know you were behind this, only you would devise a plan so heinous.” Tim frowned and said to him “I must stop Christmas from coming, you see. And freezing planet Earth will do this assuredly!” With an evil cackle, Tim Adams turned his rocket ship to face the MurrMobile and revealed his front-mounted quad laser cannons. “Merry Christmas, Murrman!” yelled Tim Adams as he pulled the trigger and unleashed a volley of energy towards Jason Murray. Murrman threw himself from the cockpit and into his ships transporter pad, just in time to scream “Energize!” as the MurrMobile was hammered by a torrent of lasers and exploded into fragments. “I killed my least favorite person in the world!” screamed Tim in ecstasy “Dam u st8 bbygurl!” But Tim’s happiness was short-lived, seconds later Jason Murray materialized in the cockpit with him. “That’s sheating! No sheating in class!” Tim cried angrily “Oh boy, am I going to kick your ass!” Tim Adams charged at Murrman, but Murrman had a trick up his sleeve. Murrman initiated Ninja-Mode, cloaking himself in black shrouds and wielding nunchucks. “Eff you plan on defeating me, you are mistaken! Think about all of the karate classes I have taken!” Tim Adams then tore off his shirt in a scream of rage, and leaped into the air at Murrman. Tim and Jason’s fists locked, and they swung at each other furiously. At the pilots console, Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) did his best to ignore the ensuing struggle behind him and keep the vessel on course to the Moon. Tim’s fist made contact with Jason’s ribs, sending him to the ground reeling in pain. Tim’s foot came down to score another blow, but Jason rolled out of the way. Murrman dove for Tim’s knees, knocking him to the ground and striking his head against a computer console. Dazed and confused, Tim swung at Jason Murray again as Murrman ducked and landed another hit in Tim Adam’s stomach. Now fueled with rage, Tim tore at his chest hair and pummeled Murrman against the wall, pinning him into the ships airlock. “Now, just look at your face!” Tim Adams taunted “Poor Murrman is about to ejected into space.” Jason Murray struggled, but Tim’s sheer muscular power had him trapped. Each breath carried the stench of blood and fear into Murrman’s nostrils. Tim reached for a red button on the wall labeled “Depressurize” and Murrman held his breath…

FLASH! In a glistening beam of brilliant light, Ron Paul materialized behind Tim Adams! “Ron Paul? How can this be? You weren’t even chosen to run against Obama and Romney!” exclaimed Tim as his grip on Murrman weakened. “Even if our hands have frostbite and our digits are numb” said Ron Paul calmly “Whatever you do Tim, Christmas will come.” Tim’s expression softened as he stared at Ron Paul “But Christmas is foolish! Christmas is wrong! Christmas is about greed, and singing annoying songs! Carol of the Bells? What a horrible sound! Christmas wastes time and money all around!” At this, Ron Paul glanced at the ground, and then proceeded to pull a parcel out of his pockets. “I got this for you, Tim” he said kindly “Merry Christmas.” Tim tentatively took the box, nicely wrapped with green paper and a golden bow, and began to peel back the wrapping. His face lit up. “Season 2 of Ancient Aliens?” Tim smiled “Ron, how’d you know? Thank you.” Tim blinked back tears as he rose to his feet and wrapped his arms around Ron Paul, encompassing him in a warm hug.

“Merry Christmas, Ron.”

“Merry Christmas, Tim.”

“HEY LOSERS! WE HAVE A PLANET TO FREEZE!”
Tim Adams and Ron Paul wheeled around to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science now) sitting at the console, scowling. “I didn’t build a rocket ship and Gravity Matrix for nothing! Let’s see some action!” Jason, Tim, and Ron all exchanged looks, and then proceeded towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). “Hey, just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Neil DeGrasse Tyson “Just because my dialogue doesn’t rhyme doesn’t mean you can bully me.” Our heroes stood in a semi circle around Neil Degrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) in silence for a second, before Ron Paul broke the silence. “HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SI-ING…”
“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KIIING!” Sang Tim and Jason as they joined the chorus
“What?” Neil DeGrasse Tyson stared at them in disapproval. “Christmas is a stupid holiday.”
With that, Tim, Jason, and Ron all dematerialized off of the rocket ship, leaving Neil DeGrasse Tyson by himself. When they reappeared, they were on Ron Paul’s home world of Liberaterius, surrounded by Christmas trees, carolers, and children frolicking in the snow. “And now, let’s put a rest to this holiday Scrooge. This will be a holiday celebration that is huge!” Ron Paul procured a small control panel with a red button in the middle “Care to do the honors?” Ron Paul asked Tim Adams “I don’t offer honors, only AP level work, but yes” replied Tim as he pushed the button and sent a 632 megaton surprise hurtling towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). And down in Earthville they say, Tim Adams’ heart grew three sizes that day. The nuclear missile impacted the rocket ship and exploded in orbit above Earth in a shower of red, white, and blue “RON PAUL 2012, RESTORE CHRISTMAS NOW” came the cry from around Earth. Santa was impeached and Ron Paul was elected president of Christmas, and everybody from small children to president Obama cheered and thanked Ron Paul, Jason Murray, and the freshly-spirited Tim Adams for saving Christmas.