Thursday, October 31, 2013

How to Behave on a First Date: A Guide by Dietrich Hanson

1. Invite romantic interest on an excursion of yours or their choosing.

2. Choose an outfit appropriate to said excursion.

3. Brush your teeth.

4. Comb your hair.

5. Apply a modest amount of cologne/perfume.

6. Try your best not to wear anything gifted to you by an ex.

7. Arrive at said location in a timely fashion.

8. Exercise proper manners in greeting your date.

9. Smile at all times, unless your date speaks of her dead grandparents or something of that matter.

10. To generate conversation, ask your date questions and let them speak about themselves. This will show your interest.

11. Make sure that you are giving them all of your attention, unless you are driving, in which case you should focus on not dying.

12. Make your date laugh by exercising humor. This will cause them to associate positive feelings with your companionship. Take caution in not crossing the line and taking your comedy into forbidden areas, such as racist and dead baby jokes.

13. Whenever you partake in an activity that costs money, be sure to be courteous and pay for your date and yourself.

14. Take care to compliment your date constantly.

15. If your date is a girl and she has to leave to “fix her makeup”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

16. If your date is a boy and he has to leave to “watch the game”, or for any other reason, do not question it.

17. At the conclusion of your date, be sure to wish your companion a good night and see them to the door/car/airport/cellblock.

18. Congratulations. You have successfully completed your first date. Congratulate yourself by bragging to your single friends and making them feel bad about themselves.