Swag Wars- The Theatrical Performance

A theatrical performance detailing the lifestyle of the modern teenager.
Written by Dietrich Hanson
As interpreted by Miles Sustad and the almighty Ryan Fick
Featuring Katherine Anderson, Kaelin Williams, Spencer Bowlus, and Sean Brislin

SWAG WARS

(Opening scene, Movie Theater)

NARRATOR: “Here we see the youth of today’s America, the next generation of socially-deprived cavemen that will eventually come to be responsible for our nation, who, in their idolization of so-called “swag”, and their lives plagued with sex, greed, drugs, and crime, make mistakes whose consequences prove too paramount to be understood by their miniscule intellects, and in turn pushes them into worlds of pain, grief, and overwhelming pressures. Ladies and gentleman, take a glance into the deteriorative lifestyle of the American teenager in our skit: ‘Swag Wars’”

MILES: “It’s not rape if you have swag…” (Puts his arm around Ryan)

RYAN: “Lol, YOLO!”

(Cuts to RYAN and MILES on phone)

NARRATOR: “Now the young gangster-wannabe will face the consequences of his actions
and have to come to terms with the fact that he will be having a child.”

(iPhone ringing, MILES picks up) MILES: “Heya shawty”

RYAN: “Trentin! Baby, Imma be knocked up!”

MILES: “Damn, shawty! Shame on a player!”

RYAN: “It yo’s, too!”

MILES: “Awwwwww, hell nawwwwww”

RYAN: “And it’s worse, babe! I read in Seventeen magazine that my baby probably won’t have any swag!”

MILES: “My baby don’t got swag? We needa fat abortion now!”
(Into Doctor’s Office)

MILES: “What it do, doc?”

DOCTOR: “What can I help you with today?”

RYAN: “I need an abortion! Imma be knocked up!”

MILES: “AND DA BABY AIN’T GOT NO SWAG!”

DOCTOR: “…You want me to terminate your pregnancy because you believe that your child won’t have ‘swag’?”

MILES: “Word up.”

DOCTOR: “Well, let me check…. Okay. First of all, you don’t even own an insurance policy in the first place. And second, I will not perform an abortion on the basis of the child not having ‘swag’”

MILES: “Who needs insurance when you have swag?”

DOCTOR: “This is ridiculous. While I cannot help you with your abortion, I can recommend a friend… Off the record, of course.”

RYAN: “You sure, baby?” (Tries to seduce DOCTOR)

DOCTOR (Stepping away from RYAN): “She’s a high school student, but she knows her stuff. I’ll get you her info”
(Skip to high school)

MILES: “Eyyo girl, we here yo good at abortin’ dem babies”

KATHERINE: “…What?”

RYAN: “I’m like, totally knocked up! I, like, need you to abort my baby!”

KATHERINE: “Will you two hooligans leave me in peace? Your plights are of no interest to me.”

MILES: “Aye’t bitch! I ain’t takin’ no backtalk!”

KATHERINE: “Look, why don’t you see if THAT girl over there can help you?” (Motions to KAELIN)

MILES: “Word up, shawty. You best be blazin’ wit me later, if ya know what I mean”

RYAN: (Smacks MILES): “TRENTIN!”
(MILES and RYAN walk over to KAELIN)

MILES: “Whaddup dwag. Dat homie over yonder be tellin’ me that you be givin’ dem abortions?”

KAELIN: “Uhh, ex-cuse me? English, puh-lease.”


RYAN: “I need a goddamn abortion!”

KAELIN: “Oh, well let me see what I can do for you.” (Pulls out iPad and shoves it in RYAN’s face) “This is my iPad XXL Touch Wheel 6. I got it outside of the Cage the Elephant concert! I think the guy might’ve given it to me for a lower price because he knew I was a vegetarian… Like wow. (Motions to MILES) “Your clothes are SO mainstream. You know what I’m wearing?” (Motions to Bob Marley t shirt) “Do you even know who this artist is? No. He’s really obscure, you’ve probably never even heard of him. It’s such a shame that this generation is so naïve to- ”

KATHERINE: (Cutting KAELIN off) “That’s Bob Marley.”

KAELIN: “…Well. Anyways, let me boot up my iAbort v.6.3 app for you! I just downloaded it from the app store for only three payments of $9.95!”

MILES: “wat”

KAELIN: “Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! Let me see your belly.”

RYAN: “Okey dokeyyyyyyy!” (Pushes stomach against iPad)

KAELIN: “Hmmm, let’s see now… That must be wrong. This says that you are about to enter labor.”

MILES: “What it be?”

RYAN: (Collapsing) “O-M-FRICKIN’-G! SHE’S RIGHT! IMMA HAVIN’ A BABY!”

KATHERINE: (Rushes over) “Help! Can anybody deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Oh no, oh no.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

MILES: “Hold on baby!”

KATHERINE: “Look on your iPad! Can’t you do anything?”

KAELIN: “It’s the iPad 6, mind you. Aaaaand…. Nope. I have to pay $7.55 for the upgrade to the iDelivery app.”

RYAN: (Screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

KATHERINE: “Just look up something online! How do we deliver a baby?”

KAELIN: “Searching… Siri! How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: List recipes for turkey gravy?”

KAELIN: “No Siri. How do I deliver a baby?”

SIRI: “I’m sorry, did you mean: Maps to Quebec, Canada?”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

KATHERINE: “Let me see!” (Takes iPad) “…All of the websites require Adobe Flashplayer to view! This is useless!”

MILES: “Go to hell Apple!”

RYAN: (Still screaming) “AAAAAAH!!!”

KAELIN: “Can’t anybody deliver her baby?” (Points to NARRATOR) “YOU! Help us!”

NARRATOR: “I’m the narrator! I’m not allowed to interact with the characters!”

MILES: “HELP A BROTHA IN NEED!”

RYAN: “I’M HAVIN’ A BABY OVER HERE! I’M HAVIN’ A BABY! AAAAAAAH!!!!”

NARRATOR: “Okay!” (Rushes over and kneels next to RYAN) “Okay, push with me. One, two, three, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AHAHAHHAUGHAUGHUHUHUAUGHUAH!”

NARRATOR: “PAIN MAKES YOU STRONGER! ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AAAAHAHAHGUHAUGAUHGAUHGUAHGUHUAHA!”

MILES: “I can see da head!”

KAELIN: “And dang, it’s nasty down there…”

NARRATOR: “One last time! One, two, three, PUSH!”

RYAN: “AAUGHAUGHAUGHUAGUUAHGUAUGUAGUAUGUAHUGUAGUAUGHAUGHUAHGUAHGA!” (Panting)

BABY: “WAAAAAH! YOLO!”

NARRATOR: “Here you go. You can hold your child.”

RYAN: “Aww! Come here baby! I think we’ll name him “Hashtag”

MILES: “Yo, that be one fine ass name.”

KATHERINE, KAELIN, NARRATOR: (Unison) “What?”

BABY (HASHTAG): “Waaah! Yolo! Swag! Wiz Khalifa!”

Poem #12- "The Ends of the Earth"

I will walk for miles through blades of grass
And cut my feet upon broken glass
Until I find you at last
I will swim the seven seas
And traverse glaciers until I freeze
So you can be closer to me


And I will follow you to the ends of the earth
I will treasure you in all that you're worth
To me


I will fly through the atmosphere
An astronautic pioneer
To find you on the final frontier
I will blast off and leave this place
To sail the realms of open space
To get one last glimpse at your face

Poem #11- "Learn to Forgive"

If we fall in love tonight,
Among the endless stars
And lose ourselves in flawless bliss
Pouring from our hearts

Then I'd be fine and satisfied
Up in the lonely sky
With perfect grace, and perfect peace
At rest between you and I

Can you see this harmony?
Written in our cosmic bliss
With stars above, and unfailing love
Etched in heaven's kiss

And if we learn to forgive tonight
Could we make the stars align?
If persevere through trust and faith
We could do the divine

Poem #10- "Galactic Serenade"

Your heartbeat is the sound of smashing atoms
There are supernovas in your eyes
Your mind is the constant beating of love
Where stars collide


You are a dreamy princess from a cosmic fairytale
Where astronauts buzz and rocketship's sail
You are the railways that cross the sky
The endless expanse where satellite's fly
The crystal clear portrait of open space
Like moon light's reflection down upon your face


Lost in the radiance you give away
Your eyes are a pyrotechnics display


I want to dance with you for eternity
To the graceful heartbeat of the galaxy
To promenade in a cosmic array
Our own sweet galactic ballet


Where the halls of space are adorned in a starry bouquet
The boundaries of the universe the limit
Let's drift away

Poem #9- "Never Alone"

I know our differences may keep us apart
But I long for nothing more than to have your heart
To have you and hold
Together we grow old
Just us together
In love forever

I will follow you down your path
You are my second half
I will be honest when you lie
I will hold you when you cry
I will always be with you, to guide you back home
No matter what you do, you are never alone

I know you make mistakes
But I will do whatever it takes
For you

Poem #8- "Ode to Twelve"

12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12

The Jason Murray and Tim Adams Christmas Special

THE JASON MURRAY AND TIM ADAMS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

As narrated by Morgan Freeman

Twas the night before Christmas, and things were not as holly and jolly as you would expect. With a nation under pressure by the upcoming fiscal cliff and its leaders locked in constant debate, there was little time for them to be concerned with the other problems facing the world, such as Syrian chemical weaponry and the still unresolved hunt for Joseph Kony. The nation was distracted by crisis on top of crisis, and it was the perfect opportunity for Tim Adams to execute his master plan. “Our leaders are too preoccupied with Syrian misfits” mused Tim “They will be entirely unaware when I steal Christmas!” Now, Tim’s master plan was a heinous one: Using the Gravity Matrix built by his friend Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now), Tim Adams would pull the Moon out of Earth’s orbit and hurl it into deep space, throwing Earth out of alignment and into a spiral away from the Sun! “I’ll show them and their Christmas trees, with no Sun to shine on them, they’ll certainly freeze!” cackled Tim as he rubbed his hands in pleasure. “Not even Obama could stop me, he couldn’t even try, when my plan is through, Santa and all his elves will surely die!” Deep within his secret underground lair in Cape Canaveral, Tim Adams prepared to launch his rocket into space. The Earth shook as two massive doors on its surface split open and ignited with fire, propelling a massive, sinister machine into the atmosphere in a thunder of smoke and fire. A couple of states over, Congress was thrown into disarray as Senators and Representatives scurried to try and piece together what had happened. National television was interrupted to bring the American people live footage of this unexpected rocket launch from unknown origin. President Obama pushed his way through the White House and scrambled into his office, almost tripping over himself as he ran to the telephone. Grasping it as if it were his lifeline, he dialed a number and breathed in short, shallow huffs as the phone rang. “Hello?” said Obama “Yes, it is time for the emergency plan. The world is in trouble and needs you, Murrman.”

Jason Murray spoke into the phone with the utmost sincerity, and hung it up with a solemn but confident look. “I can’t do this alone; I couldn’t do it at all. What I need right now is help from Ron Paul” said Murrman as he buckled into his top secret car, the MurrMobile. The car shook with a deep roar as the engine ignited, and Murrman put the pedal to the floor as he accelerated towards an almost vertical ramp. The MurrMobile made contact with the ramp and locked on with its magnetic tires and pushed the vehicle towards the stars. As Murrman cleared the ramp and shot straight up into space, he dialed Ron Paul on his Bluetooth headset. “My friend Ron Paul, we have a world to save. And if we are to stop Tim Adams, we need a hero that is brave!” Jason Murray proclaimed as his vehicle exited the atmosphere and hurtled towards Tim’s rocket ship.

“No, no, this cannot be! That looks like my arch-nemesis, Jason Murray!” Tim said uneasily as he peered out the window of his rocket ship. Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) took over the controls as Tim Adams moved towards the communications console. “Jason Murray, we meet again.” Tim said coldly “Ahh, Tim Adams, my good old friend” replied Murrman over the speakers. “I should’ve know you were behind this, only you would devise a plan so heinous.” Tim frowned and said to him “I must stop Christmas from coming, you see. And freezing planet Earth will do this assuredly!” With an evil cackle, Tim Adams turned his rocket ship to face the MurrMobile and revealed his front-mounted quad laser cannons. “Merry Christmas, Murrman!” yelled Tim Adams as he pulled the trigger and unleashed a volley of energy towards Jason Murray. Murrman threw himself from the cockpit and into his ships transporter pad, just in time to scream “Energize!” as the MurrMobile was hammered by a torrent of lasers and exploded into fragments. “I killed my least favorite person in the world!” screamed Tim in ecstasy “Dam u st8 bbygurl!” But Tim’s happiness was short-lived, seconds later Jason Murray materialized in the cockpit with him. “That’s sheating! No sheating in class!” Tim cried angrily “Oh boy, am I going to kick your ass!” Tim Adams charged at Murrman, but Murrman had a trick up his sleeve. Murrman initiated Ninja-Mode, cloaking himself in black shrouds and wielding nunchucks. “Eff you plan on defeating me, you are mistaken! Think about all of the karate classes I have taken!” Tim Adams then tore off his shirt in a scream of rage, and leaped into the air at Murrman. Tim and Jason’s fists locked, and they swung at each other furiously. At the pilots console, Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) did his best to ignore the ensuing struggle behind him and keep the vessel on course to the Moon. Tim’s fist made contact with Jason’s ribs, sending him to the ground reeling in pain. Tim’s foot came down to score another blow, but Jason rolled out of the way. Murrman dove for Tim’s knees, knocking him to the ground and striking his head against a computer console. Dazed and confused, Tim swung at Jason Murray again as Murrman ducked and landed another hit in Tim Adam’s stomach. Now fueled with rage, Tim tore at his chest hair and pummeled Murrman against the wall, pinning him into the ships airlock. “Now, just look at your face!” Tim Adams taunted “Poor Murrman is about to ejected into space.” Jason Murray struggled, but Tim’s sheer muscular power had him trapped. Each breath carried the stench of blood and fear into Murrman’s nostrils. Tim reached for a red button on the wall labeled “Depressurize” and Murrman held his breath…

FLASH! In a glistening beam of brilliant light, Ron Paul materialized behind Tim Adams! “Ron Paul? How can this be? You weren’t even chosen to run against Obama and Romney!” exclaimed Tim as his grip on Murrman weakened. “Even if our hands have frostbite and our digits are numb” said Ron Paul calmly “Whatever you do Tim, Christmas will come.” Tim’s expression softened as he stared at Ron Paul “But Christmas is foolish! Christmas is wrong! Christmas is about greed, and singing annoying songs! Carol of the Bells? What a horrible sound! Christmas wastes time and money all around!” At this, Ron Paul glanced at the ground, and then proceeded to pull a parcel out of his pockets. “I got this for you, Tim” he said kindly “Merry Christmas.” Tim tentatively took the box, nicely wrapped with green paper and a golden bow, and began to peel back the wrapping. His face lit up. “Season 2 of Ancient Aliens?” Tim smiled “Ron, how’d you know? Thank you.” Tim blinked back tears as he rose to his feet and wrapped his arms around Ron Paul, encompassing him in a warm hug.

“Merry Christmas, Ron.”

“Merry Christmas, Tim.”

“HEY LOSERS! WE HAVE A PLANET TO FREEZE!”
Tim Adams and Ron Paul wheeled around to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science now) sitting at the console, scowling. “I didn’t build a rocket ship and Gravity Matrix for nothing! Let’s see some action!” Jason, Tim, and Ron all exchanged looks, and then proceeded towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). “Hey, just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Neil DeGrasse Tyson “Just because my dialogue doesn’t rhyme doesn’t mean you can bully me.” Our heroes stood in a semi circle around Neil Degrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now) in silence for a second, before Ron Paul broke the silence. “HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SI-ING…”
“GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KIIING!” Sang Tim and Jason as they joined the chorus
“What?” Neil DeGrasse Tyson stared at them in disapproval. “Christmas is a stupid holiday.”
With that, Tim, Jason, and Ron all dematerialized off of the rocket ship, leaving Neil DeGrasse Tyson by himself. When they reappeared, they were on Ron Paul’s home world of Liberaterius, surrounded by Christmas trees, carolers, and children frolicking in the snow. “And now, let’s put a rest to this holiday Scrooge. This will be a holiday celebration that is huge!” Ron Paul procured a small control panel with a red button in the middle “Care to do the honors?” Ron Paul asked Tim Adams “I don’t offer honors, only AP level work, but yes” replied Tim as he pushed the button and sent a 632 megaton surprise hurtling towards Neil DeGrasse Tyson (host of NOVA Science Now). And down in Earthville they say, Tim Adams’ heart grew three sizes that day. The nuclear missile impacted the rocket ship and exploded in orbit above Earth in a shower of red, white, and blue “RON PAUL 2012, RESTORE CHRISTMAS NOW” came the cry from around Earth. Santa was impeached and Ron Paul was elected president of Christmas, and everybody from small children to president Obama cheered and thanked Ron Paul, Jason Murray, and the freshly-spirited Tim Adams for saving Christmas.

Poem #6- "Aerial Ballet"

I cut my spirit free
From the tethers of reality
And retreated to the world of dreams
I spread my wings to fly
And took off into the sky
And waved the real world goodbye

I surfed the airwaves
In an aerial ballet
As I let my hopes carry me away
I soared through the air
The winds rush through my air
As I left behind all of my worldly cares

I skimmed over the sea
With breakneck speed
The whole world underneath me
I took off into the breeze
The open galaxy
As happiness came up to greet me

Poem #5- "The McDonalds Poem"

When I was a boy
I went to McDonalds
I got my Happy Meal toy
And hung out with Ronald

ft. Mathew Flaherty

Poem #4- "Skyscrapers and Stars"

This emerald skyline fades away
Breaking silence over day
Setting skyscrapers and stars ablaze

Lifting beauty overseas
Setting solitude free
With ocean warmth comforting me

And I am just a wanderer here
At the end of a lonely pier
With a divine skyline so crystal clear

Spreading twilight onto waves
When day and night are face to face
Pouring glamor down on God's grace

Poem #3- "To the Party (Let's Go)"

To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go

To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go

I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party
I'll meet you at the party

To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go
To the party let's go

Poem #2- "Ode to Swag (And How it gets You Girls)"

Roses are red,
Wiz Khalifa was swag
If there were no snapbacks
Life would be a drag

When it comes to the ladies
They have no desire
If you aren't wearing Jordans
Or Nike attire

The Tap-Out t-shirt's
And absent expression
Attract females
Like Republicans to a recession
Or Linkin Park to depression
Or Taylor Swift to boyfriend-obsession

To be smooth with the babes
You must have little brain
You must listen to Drake
And Lil Wayne

You must fail hard in school
And smoke lots of dope
And when it comes to romance
You only know how to grope

And use the phrase "YOLO"
To justify your actions
When you have lots of swag,
You are the master of attraction

Poem #1- "Do You Even Lift?"

THUS BEGINS THE 365 DAY POEM CHALLENGE

Roses are red,
Washington skies are grey,
I beat Mr. Adams
Doing push-ups today

After about 70 reps,
he eventually caved
I was victorious
And Ron Paul was brave

All of my peers
basked in my swagger
As they witnessed first-hand
I've got the moves like Jagger

To thunderous applauds
I stood up and smiled
Reveling in glory
As the crowd went wild

My arms were sore,
But victory was a gift
As I asked my friends
"Do you even lift?"

Cover of Yellow by Coldplay!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdGdQ9W2ttA&feature=youtu.be

I remade Coldplay's "Yellow" using Reason 6! It has brass, synthesizers, choirs, piano, and copious amounts of awesomeness.

New song- Parachutes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eydm55aP-Jc&feature=youtu.be

Hoorah! A new song!

The Funeral Speech of Joseph Kony

It was triumph, it was tragedy. In his all-too-short life, our friend Joseph overcame all of the odds and rose above the crushing authority of the Ugandan government to become one of the most successful war criminals our world has ever seen. What he accomplished was unparalled by any of us, and I feel as if it is safe to say that we all share nothing but respect for the man that he was. Uganda has lost not only a great leader, but also a great human being. Without a doubt, our good pal Joey was truly a fine example of what a human being can achieve. And in his short time on this little green ball that we call Earth, he truly gave the human race an example of how hard work and perseverance can pay off. He has left behind an amazing legacy that will never be forgotten and left us with the pride and honor of knowing that that amazing man once called us his friends.

Since the very moment he was born, Joseph never shied away from a challenge. Even in his youth, when challenged by a rival at school or even his own siblings, he was never hesitant to resort to violence to solve his problems. He knew what had to be done and he had the willpower to do it. Throughout his life, Joseph has faced problems head-on, staring his adversaries full in the face and asking them “What Uganda do about it?”. Joseph’s hard working, stick-it-to-the-man attitude has pushed him to achieve great things in this worldly realm, and he would want us to remember him as being someone who would take on his foes, no matter what the consequences, and destroy them like he destroyed the lives of innocent children.

If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this funeral, it is that the willpower of Joseph Kony will live on. Joseph went down fighting, and his death would be in vain if we did not continue to combat Jason Russle and his army of hipsters. Even from the grave, our friend Joe’s words will live on. We must not allow the hands of our thick-glassed, skinny jean-wearing foes to grasp around the throat of our terrorist empire. We must push back with our child army, defending the land that has been rightfully ours for generations! We will no longer allow having Jason Russle our jimmies! We will defend the one thing that our tree-hugging, paper-recycling friends want to take from us: Our oil assets! Joseph’s death should be viewed as a call to action to prevent future tragedy! They can take our leader, but they will never take our spirit! Joseph Kony will live on!

The Adventures of Joseph Kony

Guns blazing around me in a fiery flare, I dove beneath the dense jungle underbrush. Underneath this cover, I peered out at my assailant, an army of internet hipsters. They had come for me. Under the direction of Jason Russell, an “army for peace” had come to end my life. Crawling along on my hands and knees, I pulled myself through the Ugandan forest floor toward my bunker. I had to get back to safety. My army of children awaited orders, and they were the only thing that would stand between me and the brink of death. Summoning the last few ounces of my strength, I dug my elbows into the earth and pushed my exhausted body forward. I had been running for so long, and if only I could last longer, I would be safe… Just a few more meters.

I awoke with one of my child medics standing above me. It was not he who had roused me, it had been the sound of explosions from outside. I bolted up into action, to the objection of my caretaker, but I had business to attend to. The Army for Peace was, almost literally, on top of my bunker, and it was only a matter of time before they had breached the exterior and infiltrated my sanctuary. I grabbed a spare weapon off of the table beside me, reloaded the ammunition, and, fighting a limp, made my way up the stairs towards the commotion. As I hobbled over the top of the staircase, I came face to face with the bunker door. Or what would have been left of it if it was still intact. But I was too late. Instead of the hulking metallic frame of the bunker, I was left staring into the cold face of Jason Russell himself.

“Kony” Russell croaked. Behind him I saw a group of armed men, all wearing thick glasses and Bob Marley t-shirts, their guns strung over their shoulders by biodegradable slings made of 100% recycled material. Russel spoke to me again, but I was partially deafened by the previous blows and I couldn't make out what he had said. Instead, I acted. With one painstaking movement, I swung my weapon and made contact with his ugly face. Within seconds, bullets rained down into my chest, penetrating my skin and unleashing a moist warmth beneath my shirt. Yet I fought on. I charged through the lines of hipster ranks, the scent of Axe body spray flooding my nose. But onward I pushed, until I had reached Jason Russell’s personal iPad and stash of various Apple products blasting “I Can’t Stop”. Behind me came a cry of “That’s the bad guy from Star Wars!”, but I knew what I had to do. With a squeeze of the trigger, I let a bullet fly straight through the iPad, the source of the hipster’s power. “Kra-kow!” came the resounding noise throughout the Ugandan forest. With their source of power destroyed, the hipsters stood around helplessly and without command. I had crushed their beloved Apple products and stopped the Army for Peace once and for all. I could now rest in serenity, knowing that the affairs of me and my underage armada would never be interfered with again.

First Breath

Who's got two thumbs and just published a new song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrkbGcyWbsM&feature=youtu.be

This guy

I'm Too Busy Crying in Fear to Write a Title

This is among the scariest things I have ever seen.

And now it's a video game.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZMBG4Pn3Sg

And here is the download link, if you are brave enough to attempt playing this for yourself....

http://www.parsecproductions.net/games/Slender_v0_9.zip

Tay Zonday and the Enlightenment

This is an old story I wrote for my English class a while ago.

It was evening and dusk had begun to draw in. The warm air slowly froze as the sun hid behind the hills like a shy child, casting scorches of glistening crimson against the twilight sky. Washing over everything, this bleeding sunlight silhouetted a tall cathedral. Gorgeously crafted with exquisite architecture, the building towered above a small cliffside village, filled with cozy huts and lush farms. On top of the church was a tall tower, bearing a stained glass window on the side with a crucifix crafted into the design. The dying sunlight beat down through this window, and shines its last beam onto a kneeling figure, his head bowed and hands together, his deep black hair glistening in the velvet sunset as the aurora of colors surrounded him. Whispering a soft “Amen”, he raised his head and caught sight of the deep blur of a sunset. Intrigued, he rose to his feet and stared at it for a while, as the sun dripped over the hills and finally melted into the horizon. Sentimental thoughts would have crossed this man’s mind, if he had been thinking at all. But he was too relaxed for worries, too content for cares, too happy to be fret over any worldly stress. He was in touch with God, he felt at peace; he was at his home, the church, the only place he had ever truly known and the only haven where he felt safe. But it was growing dark, and he knew he had to leave eventually, so he turned his back on the glowing purple skyline and began to descend the long staircase to the earth. He pulled on a jacket as he reached the bottom, and flung open the door to the outside world. He walked briskly through the chilled evening breeze, with warm thoughts of his home on his mind. He imagined the warm fireplace, the friendly glow that refreshed his cold body, the cozy armchair that would wrap him in a hug upon his arrival, the joyful smiles of his family that would greet him at the door…

“Tay!”

Startled, Tay was jolted out of his daydream, and looked around wildly for anybody who might have spoken to him. His eyes quickly scanned the vicinity for any signs of movement, but he found none. Yet Tay was sure he had heard a voice, something calling his name…

“Fear not, son. It is I, your Father.”

It struck Tay that the voice he was hearing was not from around him, it was from nowhere near him at all; this voice was speaking from the heavens straight into Tay’s heart, and Tay felt a sense of honor and gratitude as he realized that he was being spoken to by God Himself. Falling to his knees as he quivered with fear and excitement, Tay looked up into the sky with an awed look in his eyes and spoke “What is it, my Lord? What does your perfect heart desire?”
God spoke back to Tay:
“Child, I have watched you and you have proven to me to be a most faithful, generous, and obedient soul. You are holy and blameless, and this is why I have chosen you to be a prophet and deliver onto your people the Message of Enlightenment”
Tears brimming in his eyes, Tay mustered up every particle of courage in his heart and spoke “Lord, your wish is my command. You put me on earth to do your bidding. Speak, and you shall receive.”
The voice was strong and authoritative, and it commanded Tay’s attention as it spoke to him:

“Your mission shall be difficult, so listen closely as your Lord speaks to you His Holy Instruction:
Your first task is to traverse the high mountains to your West; I have sent the setting sun to light your way.
Your second task, a beast of deception, that you shall encounter on the second day.
Your third, a beast of rock, to surpass you must be strong.
And at the end you shall discover….

The voice cut to silence, and Tay was left in anticipation. Expecting to hear more, Tay leaned his head back against his shoulders and stared up into the sky, expecting more instruction, but nothing came. He yelled and pleaded, but the last verse was left tantalizingly incomplete, seemingly almost on purpose. After what seemed like an eternity of kneeling on the ground in suspense, Tay realized that it was his responsibility to fulfill God’s instruction. He had been given a quest, and he was obligated to complete it. Unsure whether or not to tell anyone where he was going out of concern for waking up his fellow townspeople, Tay inscribed his instructions on a tablet of rock and left it in the town center, with the promise that he would return within seven days left beside this rock. Tay Zonday held an important position in his community as the pastor at his church, and he knew that he would have to return by Jesusday the following week. Tay had no articles or possessions to collect, for he knew the Lord would provide for him on his journey, so he bid his sleepy town a farewell and with nothing more than the clothes on his back, he embarked on a journey that would change his life.

The shadows that had been cast by the dying sunlight had already merged with the shadows cast by Tay’s tall body as he left the gates of his city and headed for the mountains. The sun was reduced to a sliver of deep orange radiance tucked behind the horizon, but Tay was still following it strong. His coat was barely enough to keep him warm, and the cold evening breeze chilled him and nipped at his extremities. Tay’s thoughts were hopeful and full of anticipation of the journey ahead of him, he was almost too excited at the thought of beings a prophet and bestowing enlightenment upon his town that he barely contemplated the instruction God had given him, and the riddle that seemed to be hiding within it. But to be chosen by God for this great quest was a true honor, and Tay was filled with gracious thoughts thanking God for choosing him for the journey.

Midnight crept up on Tay like a thief in the night, and he was taken off guard when he snapped back to reality and realized he was surrounded by near absolute darkness. The air was no longer at a breeze, but had come to an eerie standstill in the cold night. Silence had fallen on the dark mountainous path like a blanket, smothering all sound and freezing all noise solid. Tay’s forward motion came to a halt, and so did all sound. Without the steady crunching of his feet against the frosty earth, Tay was left in a consuming silence, with his breath the only audible thing. He felt like yelling, clapping, or doing anything to make noise and fill this void that seemed to be gnawing at his insides. But this urge faded as is was replaced with the realization that Tay was very sleepy, and the silence and darkness that was bothering him but moments ago now seemed comforting, as if the emptiness was welcoming him with lures of rest and sweet sleep. Tay’s eyes felt heavy, and his consciousness started to drift off, when he was startled by something cold wrapping itself around his leg. Shocked out of his sleep, Tay shook himself awake and realized he was in fact not surrounded by total darkness, but he was surrounded by shrubbery and bush, and a long and thin vine had begun coiling around his leg. Tay struggled and pulled at the vine, and the bush let out a loud shriek, startling the young victim. Coiling and wrapping its way up Tay’s body, the vine had now progressed to his chest and was slowly constricting his breathing. Wheezing and gasping, Tay’s mind raced for a solution, when he remembered a small shard of glass he had picked up off of the road the previous day. Using a free arm, he reached into his jacket and pulled out a fragment of broken glass, and struck at the vine. Another shriek followed, and Tay unraveled himself from the now lifeless vine and pulled it off of him. Green vegetation seemed to cover him in a thick mat, and Tay began slicing at the canopy of plant covering his head. Louder shrieks followed, and did not subside until Tay had sliced his way out of the underbrush and climbed out. Pushing himself off the ground, he regained his footing and came face to face with a carnivorous plant-like creature, with a torn mossy cocoon at its roots. A small trunk extended from the ground and jetting from it were two enormous ferns, covered in small spikes and teeth. Thin vines extended from the ground and reached toward Tay, but he tripped over himself backwards in a rush to distance himself. As he laid in shock on the ground, he came to his senses and realized that he was not in fact in total darkness, but that it was now early morning, and a baby sun had begun to peak it’s head over the mountains to the east. It dawned on Tay that this was the task that God had spoken of in his instructions: “Your second task, a beast of deception, that you shall encounter on the second day”. There was no doubt in Tay’s mind that this beast had lured him in with promises of sleep and comfort last night, and that as Tay slept inside it, it slowly cocooned him and was about to feast when he woke up. Thankful for the glass shard that had saved his life; Tay knelt to the ground and thanked God for his safety, and stood back up.

After hours of hiking through the rolling hills and rocky crags that jetted out from them, Tay began to feel exhausted. His legs were sore from the constant strain of pushing forward through the steep hills and rocky terrain, his feet were cut and blistered from the coarse rocks rubbing against their undersides, and his mental stamina was all but drained, and he sat down on a nearby rock to pray for strength. His arms were weak as he folded his hands and rested his head upon them, but still Tay had faith. For he knew that God had sent him on this quest for a reason, and that in the end, His will would prevail. Tay would keep pushing forward until he achieved his goal, because persevering for the Lord was all that he knew how to do.

But after days of trekking throughout the steep mountains with little to no food and minimal sleep, even Tay’s faith began to grow weary. Physical stress and fatigue began to build up inside of him, and the tension was mounting like a geyser about to burst. He was physically exhausted and emotionally beaten, and after days and nights of sleepless hiking and zero contact with his family and community, Tay began to doubt himself and God’s orders. He had received no further instruction from God, and was left to act on what he had heard back at his town alone. Clustering Tay’s mind were negative thoughts of doubt and fatigue, and he felt as though he began to lose trust in God and himself. But even though Tay felt like giving up and he wanted to rest more than anything in the world, he kept pushing forward. Tay strived to perform better and better and to live up to the high and rigid expectations that his society valued. And though jagged rocks sliced at the soles of his feet and his legs grew numb with the constant uphill climb, Tay ignored his body screaming at him to stop and kept pushing forward.

After what seemed like eons of hiking and beating his own path, Tay finally came to the place where he could travel no more. He had climbed the highest mountains, tackled the tallest trees, swam the deepest lakes and trekked the longest plains, and he had finally run out of earth to traverse. Tay had made it to the edge of the earth, and down below him was a deep ocean, running on into the horizon forever and ever. Tay had followed the setting sun westward for six days, and he could follow no more, for sun had led him to his final destination and was now dipping its crimson body into the oceanic horizon. Standing on the very edge of his earth, Tay gazed out at the ocean in a dreamy and relieved sort of way. He knew that his quest was soon to be over, and the expectation and hope of achieving enlightenment was overwhelming. On Tay’s right was a looming hill, a rough crag of rock jetting out over the edge of the earth. Its height was magnificent, at least a thousand stories tall, its tip reaching up to the heavens in a triumphant testimony of its grandiose scale. Straining his eyes to catch view of the top, Tay saw that it was surrounded in clouds, and that the rocky bluff extended far beyond view. Carved into the side of the rock was a great marble staircase, exquisitely crafted with art fit for the gods. Sitting at the bottom of this grand staircase was a large boulder, around ten feet in diameter, blocking the steep staircase at its feet. There was no way around the boulder, and it blocked the only access to this great staircase that stretched all the way into the heavens. Tay reflected on God’s words: “Your third task, a beast of rock, to surpass you must be strong” and realized that this boulder was the beast that He had spoken of. This boulder would be Tay’s last task, and was the only thing standing in between him and the Message of Enlightenment. Gathering what strength he had left after his exhausting and draining journey, Tay mustered every ounce of power in his body and gave the boulder an enormous heave. The rock was immensely heavy, and it budged but in the slightest at all of Tay’s strength. The weight of the rock would have crushed Tay right then and there, but Tay found strength he never knew he had and pushed onward, carrying this rock upward. Tay was fighting gravity, the weight of this enormous rock, his physical fatigue after an exhausting journey through the great mountains and dense forests that tolled and taxed his body, and his own mental doubt, that voice in the back of his head that gnawed at him constantly and stole all hope away from him. Nevertheless, Tay struggled onward, heaving the enormous boulder up flight after flight of stairs, never once stopping for rest. His palms were bleeding and his arms were weak and quivering, but Tay let the sweat seep down off of his forehead as he bit his tongue and pushed onward. It took every ounce of stamina inside of Tay to maintain this forward progress, but he struggled onward, denying his body that screamed out in pain and his mind that constantly doubted himself. Tay had a mission, and he would do everything in his exhausted body to finish it. He would keep pushing at that boulder until he collapsed, he would keep moving forward until his legs gave out, he would keep moving forward until his body gave way and he fell to the ground and perished .But Tay didn’t. He mustered every bit of power inside of him and kept moving forward.

At long last, Tay pushed the boulder up over the final step of the long staircase, and let his arms fall to his sides. The boulder took off on its own, and slowly rolled off the side of this plateau and fell off, careening towards whatever may lie below the heavens. Tay was now standing on a platform on top of this enormous rocky bluff, and looking around; he realized he was level with the stars, and that even the cloud and the sun were below him. Tay had climbed all the way up to the heavens, pushing a boulder the whole way. Tay fell down on his knees, broken and exhausted, his hands bloody and raw and his arms bruised and quivering. He gasped for air, and contradictory to the altitude, sweet relieving oxygen filled his lungs. Shaking and gasping, Tay pushed himself onto his feet and looked around. This platform was empty, he was standing alone atop a mountain that’s tip was bare.
“Well, where is it? Where is the enlightenment you promised me?”
But Tay received no answer, and he was only met by silence in his ringing ears.
“God! I came all this way! I did everything you asked! Where is my reward?”
But still, his demands went unanswered. Tay stood in disbelief and doubt, when he began to be filled with anger. Pain and exhaustion manifested themselves in Tay and took form in rage and fury. Tay felt betrayed, let down, and tricked. Tay had come all this way, and was met by absolutely no reward. Believing that he had been tricked, Tay felt foolish and ashamed, and began to slander and curse God in his fury.
“How could you! You lied to me! You made me suffer, and this is what I receive in return?! My hardships are unmatched by any worldly man, and yet you forsake me in my moment of victory!?”
Reflecting upon the riddle that God had given him prior to his departure, Tay thought of a line that would complete the riddle and provide explanation for his grand letdown.
“Oh, I get it now!” Tay yelled “At the end you shall discover, trusting God was wrong! I understand now! You put me through all of this pain just to show me what a fool I am!”
Tay continued to blaspheme and yell at his Lord, until finally his slander and rage was shut off by a booming thunder, and a blinding light that formed at the edge of the platform. Tay fell to his knees and stared in awe as a vortex of swirling colors and light shone forth and pierced into Tay’s soul. Staring in awe, Tay shuddered at the brilliance of the light. And then, it spoke to him, just like the words of God before, speaking out of nowhere straight into Tay’s heart:

“Child, I chose you for this quest because among others, you exhibited perseverance and faith like no other. It saddens me that you would give up hope at the end of your quest, but I see now that you still do not understand. You were never looking for enlightenment; the enlightenment was inside of you all along”

Confused and lost, Tay tried to open his mouth to speak, but no words came forth.

“Tay, the last line of the riddle was ‘At the end you shall discover, you had enlightenment all along’. What you were searching for was a personal achievement. You have learned to overcome obstacles that seem impassible. Your faith allowed you to achieve the impossible, and that is a moral that no one could ever teach, you had to learn for yourself.”

The shock of what God had said struck Tay like lightning, and understanding washed over him like a great waterfall. And in the same split second that it took Tay to realize that he had achieved enlightenment, the blinding light disappeared, leaving Tay in a world of shock and realization. He rose to his feet, and he knew what he must do. On the marble platform below his feet, Tay carved out the Message of Enlightenment with the glass shard that he carried in his jacket. Painstakingly, with every last bit of strength inside of him, Tay moved his torn and bloody hands and his arms which felt like liquid and wrote out “At the end you shall discover, you had enlightenment all along. Faith allows you to do the impossible”. And with the Message recorded, Tay’s glass shard formed into a magnificent silver sword, and with that he struck the marble staircase. The marvelous tower to the heavens shook and crumbled, and the platform fell down to the earth. Crushing the sand beneath it, the rock of gargantuan proportions impacted the earth on a beach, and fell flush with a rock bluff. This bluff became known as Macaronia, a peaceful civilization resting on a rock bluff overlooking the ocean to the west. And to this day, Macaronians follow the steps of Tay Zonday and use their faith to achieve remarkable things.

Rabbit

Rabbit?

Rabbit?

....Two rabbits?

RABBIT!!!!

This is a blog

Hello friends! No deep and meaningful blog for this week... So instead, please enjoy this picture of naked black man in a bathtub full of donuts.

Ultimatum

I've never been fond of goodbyes. Somehow, that feeling of bidding something farewell, if even only for a small allotment of time, has saddened me since my childhood. Along the winding roads of life, you find sanctuaries and friends, things that comfort you and quell the primitive emotions that dwell in all of our hearts. We wander an endless road, with danger lurking in every corner and the future never certain. It's a miracle to find something familiar along that route, and we clutch onto it for dear life because of our ever-present fear of the unknown. Each one of us is a baby on the inside, and these comfort items manifest themselves in many ways- teddy bears, alcohol, a sport, music, or even a person. Letting go is never easy, but it is indeed a common bump along this road of life. You find something that makes you happy, grab ahold of it, but eventually have to let it go. What's the point?

Last week, I went on a journey that would forever rewrite my life. By the luck of the stars and good grace of God, I wound up sailing the oceans for a week with the nicest group of people I had ever met. Among them was the most elegant and gorgeous girl I had ever bore witness to in this life. She was a fallen angel, everything about her was flawless. I was in love with this girl from the moment I first laid eyes upon her, and I went out of my way to try and make her feel like the princess she was. The night after we first met, I suffered a bout of the insomnia that ever chases my sweet slumber away, and ended up writing to her the most detailed and heartfelt love letter I had ever spewed out of my incomplete, human brain. There was no doubt that I loved her, but if I didn't confess to her how strongly I felt for her, she would be lost to the rolling tides and choppy waves of humanities ocean. I needed to act.

I ended up standing atop a small stage in front of a hundred or so odd people the following day. And in both the bravest and stupidest thing that I have ever done, I read every single word of that letter aloud in full view and judgment of the public. In that one moment, I forever changed the course of events in my life.

The damage was done. I fessed up to every last bit of love in my heart that I had for her. Everybody knew. The room was filled with shock as this girl turned bright red and covered her face with a pillow in embarrassment. I knew that in her head, she has already murdered me a dozen times. But there was no matter. I could breathe easily knowing that she now understood what I felt towards her, and there was hope in my heart.

Two days later, I said goodbye to her forever.

They say that if you truly love something, you should love it enough to let it go. I beg to differ. Life is brutal and harsh enough as it is, and it is a miracle to stumble upon something that you can treasure as much as I treasured this girl. In the twists and turns in the road of life, we stumble and trip and lose our valuables along the way. We weep, we shed tears, we mourn, but life goes on.

Why?

I had never loved anything so much. I needed her. In the few short days that I had known her, she had become the centerpiece of the sloppy fiasco of nonsense and emotion that I call my life. She had possessed my heart, and I was holding onto her for dear life. But I let her go. She and I said our goodbyes and parted ways, and this princess that I was so entirely and completely in love with would return to her home kingdom. She left, and I couldn't follow. We were on different paths in that lengthy stretch of road that we call life, and our that fork in the road spilt and carried her away.
Where do you go from here?

I guess this is the part of life where you just have to choke back the years and force out a goodbye. That week spent with her was worth nothing more than a daydream, it was there and in the time that it lasted it was beautiful and flawless, but it came to an end and I was left with nothing more than sweet memories of something that never could have been real. I woke up and collided head on with the solid walls of reality. Whatever fairy tale that existed ever so briefly now laid in pieces beneath me as I drew up my head and came to terms with the real world. The fantasy that her and I had written together was washed away by the waves of reality.

I am still praying that this is only the first page of our story. Something deep inside of me clings onto her fiercely, but all logic and reasoning contradict this urge that I have. The likelihood that her and I will ever again cross paths is near zero. Whatever existed between us is gone now and will never exist again. There were so many things that I held back from her during out short time together. But would revealing them really have made a difference? To her? To anyone? What does it matter? We are two people out of billions, and we will both be dead within a manner of years, lost to grimey textbooks and dusty records. People grow old, fall in love, retire, and work their own personal way down this winding road of life. No one would care what we had. We were insignificant. In the grand scheme of things, who would care? We were just two tiny specks of life surrounded by billions of other specks dotting this green rock we call home, surrounded by an endless expanse of cosmic frontier. Why would anyone remember us?

Will she even remember me?

Time keeps ticking forward, and we keep coasting along down life's grand interstate. She vanished amongst the dots of light on the horizon, and I am left alone with nothing more than fragments of memories to clutch onto. She is gone now, and short of a time machine, I have no way of reversing that. I can do nothing more than grit my teeth and have faith that maybe I left behind some reason to be missed, and maybe, somewhere out there in amongst the billions of people on our planet, she might feel the same. Maybe this isn't the end of the short chapter that we had begun writing together. The co author is still out there, and maybe her and I will one day meet again and continue writing the beautiful piece of literature that I call life. Somewhere, sometime, her and I will be reunited, and I'm holding out a lot of hope.

But until then, goodbye, Megan.

Megan

There are seven billion something people on planet Earth right now. Seven billion separate people tethered by an invisible force to a burning sphere hurtling at millions of
miles an hour through a vast and unthinkably large unknown.
We are a seven million strong people, each one of us bleeding air and breathing red. We were all born to a mother and a father, we all will live and stand firm on our common soil, and eventually, we all will die.

Out of those seven billion people, she was the most beautiful.

She was the prettiest girl I had ever laid my partial and judgmental human eyes upon. Seeing her was like being nailed in the chest by a sledgehammer. Throughout our entire written and spoken language, no word could ever do justice to the sheer, untainted beauty that she possessed. Her eyes were like round window into infinity, each retina a
portrait of star collisions and each pupil a magnificent supernova. She was so entirely and completely beautiful that every bit of my body went dumb while I was around her. My heart was like a runaway engine, the out of control powerhouse thundering and shaking my entire being. I was dumbfounded. Each word she spoke was like a separate symphony unique upon itself, serenading a brilliant and triumphant melody to my ever-eager ears. My insides melted when I laid eyes upon her. In the raw definition of beauty and wonder, she was the most pure example of every positive description a boy could muster up the courage to name a girl with.

I knew that there could never be anything between us. She was but one girl out of billions, living out her own life, our paths accidentally intersecting by the dice rolls of fate. Her and I were separated by a thousand miles of invisible boundary, a series of numbers and distances clumsily given to things that we cannot describe by haphazard scholars. She was a gorgeous an breathtaking princess from Atlanta, and I was just another goofy and awkward Seattle boy. I had no idea what to say to her, much less begin to touch upon the depth of the feelings that I held for her. And deep in my heart, I knew that these emotions would never manifest themselves in any form other than the wandering and hopeless dreams of a teenage boy.

It didn't have to be that way. Maybe I could muster up the courage to choke out a couple of decent words to her. Maybe if I was lucky, she would take pity on me and acknowledge my attempt at conversation, or at least be kind enough to grace me with a reply. And perhaps if I was extraordinarily lucky, this awkward exchange of shy "hello"'s an nervous smiles might flourish into a friendship. Perhaps her and I might grow close, and I could keep in touch with her by crating letters to my dreamy princess in a faraway land. And perhaps, if I was fortunate beyond words, her and I might one day stand hand-in-hand together at a church altar in front of our entire collective family as we are read words that would forever bind us together and unite us in the spellbinding love that I had only dreamt was real, and I would gaze into the breathtaking pyrotechnics display that she held in her eyes and she would blink back tears of joy as she realized that out of those seven billion people on planet Earth, she had finally found the one for her.

None of this is real.

Life can be a brutal and cold place, and the split second that you embrace something dear to you and realize that you do indeed want it in your life, that thing is ripped away from you and lost to to the endless expanse of untold miles and plethoras of people. That person that you had once felt such a deep and wholesome connection with can be torn away from you in an instant, and what was once a friend becomes just another face in the crowd. The odds are never in our favor. We live in a complex jigsaw puzzle of warped emotion and rigid rules imposed upon us by those who do not understand. Everything you want can be gained instantaneously, but everything you have can be ripped away as well.

In some deep psychological way, this rambling on of emotional words somehow quells the bitterness that ever eats at me knowing that I may never see her again. Time was running out, but how does one explain to an almost complete stranger that you are in love with them? Her and I were separated by this awkwardness between us, our interactions being small talk and shy laughter at best. She was captivating. I had known her for not even a week, but it felt like she was an old friend. Being around her entirely melted away all feelings of doubt that festered in my heart when she was away. But I had no words to describe to her what I felt, nor the courage to approach her and speak the truth. Nothing in the world meant more to me than being with her.

What really was keeping us apart was my own personal unwillingness and furthermore, altogether lack of bravery to fess up to her what I felt. I was unwilling to risk what delicate friendship that was balancing between us, but time was running out. If I did not act, she would be gone like that, and I would never see her again. My current lifestyle satisfies me fully, but could I really live on knowing that I had passed up possibly the greatest blessing to ever grace my life?

Bill Watterson once said "If you can get away from people, you are lucky. If you find someone that you can stand, you are very lucky. And if that person can also stand you, than you are lucky enough". There is no doubt in my heart that I would be content to spend the rest of my existence with this girl. If I ever was going to find someone that I could actually tolerate unconditionally, it would have to be her. You only do live once, and some chances are worth taking. This was one of them. I could not just stumble upon the girl of my dreams and just let her go. I had to act.

Seven billion people covering planet Earth. Each one of us with our own life, our own personality, and our own dreams. We are mixed together through mass media and public interaction, conversing with each other and moving on, but too often, the greatest of friends often stay strangers until too late. Our dreams are only made reality though action, and the time for action was now. Out of the seven billion people on our planet, she was the most profoundly beautiful and elegant girl I had ever had the privilege to come across. Looking at her fed my mind an image too beautiful to process, and my body went into a catastrophic self-destruct sequence as my brain went haywire with adoration for her. This girl knows who she is, and by confessing this in full view and judgement of the public eye, maybe I could inspire someone to act and make their dreams a reality as well, and in doing so, one out of those seven billion people on Earth is that much happier.