The Funeral Speech of Joseph Kony

It was triumph, it was tragedy. In his all-too-short life, our friend Joseph overcame all of the odds and rose above the crushing authority of the Ugandan government to become one of the most successful war criminals our world has ever seen. What he accomplished was unparalled by any of us, and I feel as if it is safe to say that we all share nothing but respect for the man that he was. Uganda has lost not only a great leader, but also a great human being. Without a doubt, our good pal Joey was truly a fine example of what a human being can achieve. And in his short time on this little green ball that we call Earth, he truly gave the human race an example of how hard work and perseverance can pay off. He has left behind an amazing legacy that will never be forgotten and left us with the pride and honor of knowing that that amazing man once called us his friends.

Since the very moment he was born, Joseph never shied away from a challenge. Even in his youth, when challenged by a rival at school or even his own siblings, he was never hesitant to resort to violence to solve his problems. He knew what had to be done and he had the willpower to do it. Throughout his life, Joseph has faced problems head-on, staring his adversaries full in the face and asking them “What Uganda do about it?”. Joseph’s hard working, stick-it-to-the-man attitude has pushed him to achieve great things in this worldly realm, and he would want us to remember him as being someone who would take on his foes, no matter what the consequences, and destroy them like he destroyed the lives of innocent children.

If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this funeral, it is that the willpower of Joseph Kony will live on. Joseph went down fighting, and his death would be in vain if we did not continue to combat Jason Russle and his army of hipsters. Even from the grave, our friend Joe’s words will live on. We must not allow the hands of our thick-glassed, skinny jean-wearing foes to grasp around the throat of our terrorist empire. We must push back with our child army, defending the land that has been rightfully ours for generations! We will no longer allow having Jason Russle our jimmies! We will defend the one thing that our tree-hugging, paper-recycling friends want to take from us: Our oil assets! Joseph’s death should be viewed as a call to action to prevent future tragedy! They can take our leader, but they will never take our spirit! Joseph Kony will live on!