It's Complicated

Me and my girlfriend have a complicated relationship.

I use the term "girlfriend" loosely. She is my best friend, my jealous lover, my helping hand, my sunlight, my oxygen, my true love and my worst enemy all at once. It's often confusing and far too complicated to explain in a blog post, or in any amount of words for that matter. I could speak for eons and not even begin to grace the tip of the iceberg.

Why am I writing this then? Simply, it's on my mind. I want to share what's in my heart. What I am going through. It's been a rather confusing week for me, with highs and lows and bipolar teenage hormones gone haywire. It's difficult to keep a grasp on what is real and what was hopeful dreams. It's like a whirlpool of conflicting emotion swirling and enveloping me inside. It's love, pain, regret, distaste, comfort, and passion all fighting each other for a grasp on my mind. But isn't that what teenagers are supposed to feel? Aren't we supposed to endure these painful, false relationships so that the scars may strengthen us for adulthood when we receive a true relationship? With that one you know will always be there for you?

And what if, by God's act or your own action or just freak luck, you meet that person at such a young age that you begin to destroy the best thing you could ever possibly have? In the ignorance of youth our eyes are blind. I know this but I can't really tell what it is like to have my eyes open because, admittedly, I don't know everything about the world. So you struggle through life, trying to find your place, and along the way you meet the most beautiful, hypnotic, sweet and absolutely perfect girl in the world. What are you supposed to do? You rush into a relationship with them, you assume you know everything, and just because this person has no flaws and is absolutely entrancing you blunder into uncharted realms. And you just end up hurting them. Over the course of our fifteen month relationship, my girlfriend and I have broken up sixteen times and have endured countless more fights and disagreements. But why then, do we still remain together?

Could it be love?

I don't know. And I can't know until this veil of immaturity is lifted. It's truly difficult to maintain a relationship that deep at such an early age. Constantly, people are telling me "Dude, get over her." and "Why don't you date a nicer girl?" and "She says she hates you". What am I supposed to say? They don't understand logic. They can't begin to comprehend the magnitude of what we have been through together. What do I tell them, "Don't worry, we will be back together tomorrow."? I can't explain what she means to me. And what I know I mean to her. They can't understand that in the midst of the chaos, drama, and pain of teenage life, I have found something real. Something I can hold onto. Something I love.

I'm not complaining necessarily about my complicated, stressful relationship. In part, I am thankful for it. It opens my eyes. It teaches me to cope. It gives me joy and happiness unlike any other. It teaches me what it is like to love and to enjoy life. But it also causes me pain out of mistakes and misunderstandings between us in our foolishness. What is God trying to teach me? Why did He give me her?

If anybody out there understands this, then they know what it's like. Maybe someone has a taste of such powerful emotion. Perhaps someone out there is enduring the same romantic hardships in their youth.

Don't give up. There is always hope.